Page 90 of Living at 40

“Logan,” I whisper, shaking my head and facing the floor. My toe digs at the carpet.

“And remember when I asked you why you weren’t married, thinking every person who didn’t ask you must have been a fucking idiot? You said the right man hadn’t found you. But I did. I just . . . I got a little lost on the way here. I’m also a fucking idiot, but I’m—”

“Stop it,” I whisper, tears blinding me.

“I want to be with you. I want you to be with me.”

He takes another step closer to me, and as I’m plastered into the chair at my back, I have nowhere to go. He’s filling my space and clogging my senses. I close my eyes as if that will block him out.

“There was something there,” he whispers, reminding us both of when I got my period, when I went to him convinced I had to be pregnant because I felt so different. That difference had been him. He was the something there, and now he was here, but I’m so confused.

“I’m sorry,” Logan says. “I’m always apologizing to you, and I’ll continue apologizing until I get you back. We aren’t over.”

My lids open, but I can’t look at him. I can’t fall into the trap of falling for him again.

“I’m tired, Autumn. I’m tired of only existing in my life instead of living it.”

My head pops up at his words as I’ve heard Mason saying something similar. Even Ben professes he plans to live out the rest of his days truly living them.

“I’m going into business with Mason.”

“What?” I blink.

“I haven’t been happy for a while now. When we started, I knew I’d been missing out on something more in my life, but I just didn’t know what it was. That more is here, with you, with the guys. Then everything came crashing in at once. Ben’s condition. Chloe leaving. And Lorna. My poor baby girl is so unhappy, too.”

My chest aches when I think of Lorna. She misses her mother and doesn’t understand how her mom could leave her behind. She’s mentioned that Logan’s been crabby and working hard. She’s lonely. And I never want to hear the name of Bethany Simone again.

Logan pauses, softening the desperation in his eyes. “We need you.”

Words I’ve always wanted to hear fall far too freely from him, and I want to believe him, but I can’t. This man broke my heart only weeks ago.

Logan bitterly chuckles when I don’t respond to him. “Lorna told me I was an extra stupid jerk. Extra stupid jerks don’t see the beautiful girl before them, and she’s right. I blinked for a moment and lost sight of what I had, what I want most. Grovel, she said. Flowers.” He lifts the bouquet, still held in his hand. “And go to Lakeside.”

I glance off toward the balcony glass doors, chewing at my lips.

“I’m going one better. Lorna and I are moving to Lakeside.”

“What?” Glancing back at him, I can’t believe what he said.

“And I’m going to marry you because, like Mason said, everything I want is right here.” He reaches for me, brushing my hair over my ear before cupping the back of my neck. He leans his forehead to mine and drops his hand to touch mine.

“And in here.” He places my hand over his heart which races under this shirt.

“And here.” He lifts my hand once more to kiss my palm. “You hold me in the palm of your hand. You hold my heart. And I’m going to carry yours. You’ll see.” Logan leans forward and kisses me so softly, so sweet. It’s quick and over before I know what’s happened, and I’m left still standing by the chair when I hear my front door click shut, and the flowers lay on the seat of the chair at my back.

+ + +

The following morning, Crossroads is as busy as I expected. It’s a beautiful fall day with lingering warm temperatures. The town will be buzzing with people soaking up one more weekend before out-of-towners permanently leave their summer residence and year-rounders settle into the quieter pulse of our small community. When the day finally comes to an end for me, I find Ben outside the back door of the café with two bikes.

“What are you doing here?” I ask, chuckling as Ben and I haven’t ridden bikes together since we were little kids.

“Take a ride with me.”

“How did you get here with two bikes?”

Ben shrugs. “It doesn’t matter. Just ride with me a bit.”

Hopping on the bike Ben offers, we travel down Beech Street to the inner drive and head in the direction of Lakeside Cottage. Ben remains quiet as we pedal beside one another. This isn’t a race. We aren’t teasing one another or showing off with feats of balance. We simply take our time to push the pedals and glide along the fall-colored drive. The trees are in full display, and a crisp smell filters through the air. Change is coming. I have so many questions, all of which I want to ask Ben, but I don’t. I savor this moment, adding it to a new list. The one where I hold every memory of my older brother before he goes.