Page 81 of Living at 40

It had been a long day of sunshine and annoying friendship, and I’d counted the minutes until I could be alone with Autumn. I was a little light-headed when we went to her room, but I ignored the sensation as too much sun and a shitty mood. Sex with my woman would make up for all of it. But something happened as I was thrusting into her, exerting the energy to please her and ignoring the signs wasn’t smart. An out-of-body experience I rapidly lost control over occurred.

I hadn’t had a diabetic episode in a long, long time, and it could have been attributed to any number of things. Add in vigorous sex, and I’m not certain what happened. No matter what, I feel terrible, and I’m riddled with concern that I’ve hurt both my girls tonight. Lorna and I have talked about my diabetes at great length, but it isn’t her responsibility to take care of me. In her reaction to me, Autumn's hesitancy tells me she feels guilty as though she did something wrong when it wasn’t her fault either. It’s just my body. We haven’t discussed the particulars of my disease. It’s not exactly sexy talk, but Ben is right. I need to inform Autumn. I typically keep glucose tablets or honey sticks in a pocket, but I didn’t have any on me tonight. It was irresponsible on my part.

While I’d like nothing more than to curl up next to Autumn and hold her tight, reassuring her of everything, I need to get my glucose levels back in range and desperately need a shower. Ben guides me back to the apartment over the garage, where I do a finger prick test from a kit and drink more juice. Ben hovers. He suggests I go to an urgent care facility for a check, but I don’t want to go. My body will regulate once the glucose tablets flow. I have a call-in number for my pump.

Returning to the main room once I’ve showered, Mason and Zack both watch me. Ben has obviously informed them about what happened. It hits me hard that it’s been an interesting forty-eight hours. Chloe’s departure. Lorna’s and my arrival in Lakeside. The reunion with Autumn. Lorna’s period. My diabetes. I’m whipped, and the stress on my friends’ faces adds to my exhaustion.

“I’m sorry to worry you, man,” I admit, falling on the cushion next to Ben.

“What happened?” Zack asks from his seat on a second couch in the room.

“Zealous activity.” I swipe a hand through my wet hair, waiting out the next question.

“What? How?” Zack asks. When I was diagnosed with diabetes in my thirties and told the guys, Zack suddenly became a medical expert on it. He wanted to know what to do should something happen. I have no doubt he’s suddenly investigating pancreatic cancer on Ben’s behalf.

“Do I want to hear this?” Ben interjects, quick to cut off unnecessary information while tipping up a brow.

All eyes are on me, waiting for an answer, wanting more details. “I was with Autumn.” It’s embarrassing to admit only from the standpoint I could have hurt her.

Mason chokes from his position in the kitchenette area, pouring himself a drink. “Way to go, man.”

“Fuck,” Zack groans, swiping a hand over his head. We’re all silent for a moment.

“I don’t want to be like that,” Ben quietly states.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“I don’t want Anna to worry about me or see me going into some kind of state.” I’m not offended by Ben’s statement. He doesn’t mean anything malicious. I didn’t want Autumn to ever see me like I was either, and I’m still concerned I might have said or done something to her. But I also realize I need to educate her. We need to talk about my condition so I don’t scare her in the future, should something happen again. I’m confident Anna already knows as much as she can about Ben’s situation, and she loves him. She’ll do anything for him.

“Ben,” I warn, knowing what happened to me is different than what will happen to him.

“That’s why I’m here.” Mason attempts to tease as he circles around to the couches and takes a seat near Zack. He holds a small tumbler in his hands.

“I don’t want anyone responsible for me like that,” Ben admits. “Especially not Anna.”

Hearing Ben’s concerns are a bit of a reality check. My insulin-producing cells have attacked my pancreas, yet I’m able to manage my life accordingly. Ben has pancreatic cancer, something that could be managed with chemotherapy, but not for long. Neither of us can be cured. One of us has fate at our door sooner rather than later, and guilt punches me in the gut. It isn’t fair.

“I don’t want to hurt her,” Ben whispers, speaking of his wife, and my eyes lower to his wrists. Ben finally broke and told me I was trying to fight him off, pushing at him to release me while he administered the juice. If it had been Autumn, I could have broken her wrists. I swallow hard at the notion.

“It won’t happen,” I try to assure Ben, but he looks at me by rolling his head on the back of the couch.

“You need to talk to my sister. If this is happening between you two, she needs to know all she can to help you.”

“This is happening with your sister,” I tell him, hoping to end this conversation while taking his warning.

“I have a serious question for you, then,” Mason interjects.

“Mace,” Zack warns.

“If you and Autumn are happening, how will it work? Long distance?” Mason swipes a hand through his artful hair. “Phone sex. Frequent texts. Lonely nights without her.”

“Do not say phone sex and my sister in the same sentence,” Ben warns.

“I’m just being realistic. We aren’t kids. This could be the real deal for you.” Mason’s strong tone surprises me. I stare at my old roommate and first friend in college. Admittedly, I’d grown closer to Ben over the years, but Mason was still my roommate, which gave us our own bond. How do I answer him? I wanted to give and be given love. I wanted to be accepted for who I am. A decent man. Still a little chubby. A guy with diabetes and a daughter. Without answering Mason, he continues.

“Do you want to keep overworking the nine-to-five grind? Do you want to live there when your girl is here?” He points at the carpet, but he means Lakeside. “Just think about it.”

“Is this about Four Points?” I question. Is this more about his investment idea than my personal preferences?