Page 52 of Living at 40

“Yeah. I mean, is she pregnant?”

I huff. “I have no idea.”

“But you’ve been going at it like rabbits on crack.”

“Ben,” I mumble. Speaking of awkward, this is awkward.

“Well?”

“I cannot discuss this with you,” I groan.

“Why not? Because she’s my sister?”

“Yes.” I bitterly chuckle.

“I’d like you to discuss it with me because she’s my sister. Because I love her, and I want her taken care of. I might not agree with this practice . . . hook up with a few guys to get pregnant . . . but I want her to have what she wants. I want her to have a child if that’s what she thinks will make her whole, fulfill her life, and bring her happiness. I’d prefer it wasn’t from some random man but one of my best friends. At least, I’d know who the father is and know he was a good man.”

Just layer that guilt like butter on toast.

“Won’t I be shit if I leave her to do it alone?” I’ve been wrestling with this thought more and more lately.

Ben glances over at me again. “Would you really let her do it alone?”

My head thuds back on the seat. “I don’t even know if this worked. And if it did, I guess I’d cross that hurdle when it happens. It’s not like we live next door to one another, though.”

“Life is full of sacrifice,” Ben says, but his voice teases me.

“You want me to move here and take care of her? That’s not what she wants. She wants a kid, not a husband. She doesn’t want me.”

“Are you sure about that?” Ben asks, and I’m curious if Ben knows something I don’t. I try not to be bitter that the Kulis siblings are good at keeping things from me when it concerns the other.

“I . . . I’m following her wishes.” I have my own wishful thinking, though. I want to be with her. I want to sleep with her, and I want to give her what she desires most—a child. She hasn’t mentioned a husband, not once, and she hasn’t asked me for more.

“What if my wish was for you to marry her if she’s having your baby?”

“Ben.” I groan again. “Man, that’s a lot of pressure.”

“I see something between you two.” He sounds like a woman, and I worry Anna’s rubbed off on him in the near twenty years of their marriage.

“Don’t do this to me,” I whine.

“What?” Ben innocently asks, tilting his head to glance at me once more.

“Don’t make it a dying wish for me to marry your sister.” The silence that falls between us is like the windshield suddenly shattering. We’re surrounded in the awkward plea I made to him, and Ben’s hand tightens on the steering wheel. He takes a moment to collect his thoughts, and I’m opening my mouth to apologize as my shit mood is not what he needs, but he speaks.

“My dying wish is that my sister finds love as I’ve had with Anna. I want her to have a family to mother and smother and take care of instead of all those losers she’s dated. It doesn’t have to be you, Logan. If you don’t want those things for yourself, it doesn’t have to be you. But I want you to be happy as well. And I’m willing to bet my sister could be it for you, too.”

“I am happy,” I quickly retort, ignoring the hope in my heart at what he’s said about his sister. I am happy enough . . . until I consider the dead-end dates, the chaotic schedule of sharing Lorna, and the fact my ex-wife has a boyfriend.

“Are you?” Ben asks with sharpness in his tone.

“Fuck off,” I whisper, with a weak smile. I hate how well Ben knows me.

“Just looking out for you, friend,” he says. “I love you, man.”

“Ben,” I whisper-groan again as my nose prickles and my eyes sting.

“Gotta say these things while I can,” he admits, forcing a smile on his straight face. The false bravado is like a stab to the heart.