Page 42 of Living at 40

“No.” Her face pinkens.

“Okay, well, Autumn is . . .”

“Dad, if you want to take Autumn on a date, it’s okay.” Her directness trips me up, and I scratch at the back of my neck, knowing there’s no way I will explain to her what I’m actually doing with Autumn. I also don’t date around Lorna, keeping those moments to the weekends when she isn’t in my house.

“Yeah. I don’t think dating will work as she lives here, and we live in Indiana. But I like spending time with Autumn. We’re all spending time together,” I say, hoping to suggest there’s nothing unusual in the mix of gathered friends.

“I know, but Mom’s dating Peter.” She shrugs. I’m not a fan of my ex-wife’s new boyfriend, Peter, pronounce pe-tear, like derriere. Chloe and Peter have been together for a while, and Lorna doesn’t complain about him, but I still don’t care for him. He spends lots of time having dinner with them or hanging around on the weekends Lorna is with her mom. He’s in international sales, working in the United States for some overseas company. I’m certain one day he’ll return to France where the company’s headquarters are located, leaving Chloe behind.

“You’ll always be my number one girl,” I remind her, slipping my arm around her and tugging her to my side.

“I know.”

I press a kiss to her head and stop walking. “Should we head back?”

“Sure.” She shrugs again, and I keep my arm around her as we return in the direction of the fire Ben and Zack built. “Dad, did you know Mila’s moving here?”

“I did know that. How does Mila feel about it?”

“She says she’s scared to start a new school, but she’s excited to live here. Her room is bigger in this house, plus it has a bathroom in it. She says Lakeside Cottage is her favorite place in the world.”

“Wow. Lucky girl then.”

“Do you think we could move here?” The question gives me pause.

“Why would we move, honey?”

She shrugs once more under my arm. “It’s one of my favorite places, too.”

“Yeah, but you’d miss your friends, right?”

Shrugging happens again, and I wonder what I’m missing. Is she not happy at school? Is something happening with her friends? Chloe has warned me that starting middle school this fall will come with all kinds of transitions and changes for Lorna. We need to be aware of Lorna’s potential to struggle with a new building, new schedules, unfamiliar students, and the possibility of her friend group shifting.

“You know you can talk to me,” I remind her. She shrugs once more but doesn’t offer anything more. Glancing in the distance, we both see that our group has grown and gathered around a now crackling fire. Without a word, Lorna takes off, slipping out from under my arm, and jogging up the sand to meet Mila. The two eagerly step over to the ingredients for s’mores placed on a rock to begin the business of roasting marshmallows.

“Everything okay?” Autumn asks as soon as I rejoin the group.

“I will never understand teenage girls,” I mutter, collapsing down to the sand while Autumn sits in one of the permanent chairs on the beach. “Even when I was a teenager, I could not understand them.”

Autumn softly chuckles, and I want to tug her down to me. I want to wrap around her again as if we are teenagers. Glancing over at my daughter working a marshmallow on a stick, I watch as Bryce asks her if he can help her, and Lorna hands the stick to him. Her head lowers as she does, and her face turns pink once more. Fuck. Shifting on the sand, I sit upright, observing them.

“You okay?” Autumn asks, and I turn to her. Looking back at Lorna a second, and then at Autumn, my chest pinches.

I’d always hoped one day, I’d find the right man who would love me and want to be with me.

Fuck! Is this how Autumn felt as a kid when she was around me? She told me she always thought she and I were meant to be together. Did I disappoint her? Of course, I did. I pushed her away when we were young, and she tried to kiss me, and that hurt. I know it hurt, based on the number of rejections I’ve received from girls not wanting the fat guy in the group.

Oh my God, Lorna, don’t look at Bryce. Don’t desire your best friend’s older brother. It’s all going to lead to heartbreak. He’s going to be a dick one day. He’s never going to deserve you. A cold sweat breaks out on my forehead despite the heat of the fire.

“Logan, are you okay?” Autumn reaches out for my forearm, and I stare up at her. “Is it your diabetes?”

“I-I’m good.” I lie because I’m not. I don’t want my daughter falling in love because love can hurt. It can hurt so much. That’s why I’m keeping things in perspective with Autumn. I don’t need to love her. I’ve already hurt her, and I just want to make it up to her with a baby.

“Whatever happened with the house next door?” Mason asks, scattering my thoughts. Zack remains quiet, but Ben answers.

“Some old guy owned it a while back. He rarely came here. We heard he has a wife twenty years younger than him or something like that.”

“Lucky bastard,” Mason teases, lifting a beer for his lips.