Page 37 of Living at 40

“I don’t know what’s next,” I admit, squinting off at the end of the fairway, avoiding his questioning gaze. I keep telling myself I don’t need to think about what’s next because Autumn only wants what’s now. She only wants the effect, but not the cause itself. The truth is, I could easily fall for her, but she doesn’t want that, and I’m not about to admit my conflicting feelings to Ben.

“I don’t even know how she thinks she’s going to be a single mother and run her business. She works all the time, hardly taking time for herself.”

I might agree. I’d had the same thought, but Autumn seems capable, and as having a baby is a priority, I also think she’ll work out what she needs to do in order to parent. While I didn’t have to do such a thing when Lorna was a baby, I’ve certainly had to re-arrange my life now as I co-parent. It’s manageable.

“She says she has you and Anna for support,” I tell Ben, turning back to him. He shakes his head, lowering his face to glance at his feet.

“Yeah, well, that’s not a solution.” Suddenly, I feel like we’re back to the second half of the conversation this morning in the hallway where there were hints of Ben having a less than perfect life. Admittedly, no one has it stellar. We’ve all had money concerns, or marital issues, but out of the four of us, Ben has it the most together.

“Is something going on with you and Anna? Paradise is still intact, right?” I question, wondering if this is one of those rare moments for him.

“Yeah. Anna and I are fine.” He looks up and stares down the fairway as I had.

“Good, because I need to believe true love does exist, even if it isn’t for me,” I tease. Ben softly chuckles.

“Who says you can’t have love?”

I stare back at him. “Dude, divorced guy. Already tried that, and it didn’t work.” I like to think I loved Chloe, and I’m certain I did. I always will in some ways, as she mothered my child. But true love? Yeah, I’m not so confident in that concept because if true love were the case, Chloe would have loved me in return no matter what.

“Doesn’t mean it can’t happen again.” Ben pauses, peering back at me. “Or for the first time. Maybe for real this time.”

If Ben’s implying I’d love his sister, or she’d love me, he is living in a dreamland. This is just sex. We don’t even live in the same state, plus I’m already a father, and Autumn doesn’t want a dad for her kid. She wants a man to father one with her, and that’s it.

“Ben, I don’t need your permission. Or I should say, your sister doesn’t. She’s a grown woman. It’s her body, and she can do what she wants with it.”

“Please, spare me the details.” He holds up a hand.

“But I’d still like your blessing to give this a try with her, for her.”

“If it works,” he mutters, pausing a second before speaking next. “I’m not saying I approve of this method, but if I had to choose between you and Mason, my bet would be on you. I love you both, but you’re the better fit for her.”

His words surprise me, and I recall what Autumn said about thinking I was made for her as a teenager. Does Ben know she had a crush on me? Am I the only idiot when it came to Autumn’s feelings?

“Why?” I ask. Why me?

“Because deep down, I know you’re the best of men. You’ll do the right thing, if necessary, and you aren’t really taking advantage of my sister. Plus, you’re reliable, respectable, and reasonable.”

Jeez. Why doesn’t he just say I have a good personality?

“What I’m most worried about is the practice it takes to get pregnant. It’s never just sex. Someone is going to get hurt.” Ben subtly taps his chest, indicating his heart.

“No one’s going to be hurt. We both know what we’ve gotten into.” That’s actually not one-hundred percent true, though. I hadn’t planned on all the emotions I have rolling around inside me or the way she makes me feel when we’re together. I’m alive in a way I’ve never been. She makes me feel . . . like a new kind of weight has been lifted. I’m free yet whole, which doesn’t make any sense to me.

“We can never know anything for certain,” he says, sounding cryptic once more. Zack calls out to us, waving a hand for us to hurry up, and Ben walks away, leaving me wondering what he meant.

15

[Autumn]

My body hums with nervous energy after this morning’s altercation in the hallway. I don’t know why Ben said what he said, other than he doesn’t believe in me. I’m the flighty, little sister who can’t find a man. While I’m smart enough to manage our father’s business for years, and then open my own, I’m not sensible enough to make an intelligent decision for myself, my body, and my needs. Ben can really piss me off even though I love him.

The idea of a day in the sun does not sound like a good plan to me. I don’t have the wherewithal to sit still and chat with Anna, but I can’t leave Anna as she’s suddenly responsible for all the children again. Mila and Lorna. Oliver and Trevor. Bryce and Calvin have been relieved of kid duty as Calvin has a job working for the local location of Kulis Landscaping. Bryce was allowed to hang with some kids he knew in the area. Both boys will be making new friends come fall. When the two weeks at Lakeside Cottage are complete, Anna and Ben plan to return to their home to pack up the house. It’s already on the market with some eager interest.

To add to my dismay, my mother arrives once we settle on the beach. “I just want a little time with my grandchildren,” she announces.

Anna and I lock eyes. My mother is here on a fishing expedition and not the kind that involves a hook and a pole.

“How are the boys?” she asks, helping herself to a chair.