Page 31 of Living at 40

“I still want to be alone with you, away from here.” The griddle sizzles, and I turn my attention back to the pancakes in need of flipping. A tender hand comes to my arm and slides down it to my wrist.

“I’ll see you later. Have a great day.”

The second she walks away, her sweet words hit home. These are the things I’ve missed most about being a couple with someone. The little words of encouragement. The tender touches before parting. I miss random text messages and sporadic conversations throughout the day with that person you thought would always be there. I took those things for granted with Chloe, and they became rote instead of special moments.

I watch as Autumn disappears through the front entryway and then check out my girl sitting at the island with a smile on her face. She’s looking back at me, and I wonder if she can read how I feel about the woman walking away.

“Who wants more pancakes?” I call out.

“Me,” Mila blurts.

“Are there more?” I glance at the entryway to see Zack with his two boys in tow.

“Have a seat.” I nod to the island. “Coffee’s here.” Zack steps over and scrubs at his hair, which stands up on end.

“Rough night?” I question.

“Rough morning.” His voice is groggy as he pours himself a cup of coffee. “They wouldn’t let me be.”

“I didn’t think you slept anyway.” Zack is a workaholic. Everything is on the clock and by the book. That’s how he runs his life. The lawyer in him wants all things legal, timely, and tidy.

“I don’t actually. I’ve been awake since three. I should have brought the nanny.” Zack sips at his mug while leaning his back against the counter near where I cook.

“Is she hot?” I tease.

“She’s young.” He huffs and scrubs at his sandy-blond hair again.

“Jeanine approves,” I wonder.

“Jeanine hired her. She got her from some service. Half the time, I can’t remember their names because they come and go so quickly.” He sighs, knowing the reason his babysitters quit. His kids are out of control.

“That’s mine,” Mila cries out, and Zack steps forward, intervening as one of his boys has stolen a pancake off Mila’s plate. I turn to restock the serving plate and set it before the boys who lunge for it like starving vultures. Returning to the grill, Zack follows me, walking backward. He puts himself back in his prior position against the counter, staring off at his boys.

“The boys are a mess. My marriage is a mess.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Jeanine’s having an affair.”

My head pops up, and I stare at the side of his face. “How do you know?”

Zack shrugs. “She said she had a business trip in Europe when she didn’t have anything booked on her calendar. Her assistant confirmed it’s an official vacation. I caught her packing lingerie. Do you know the last time I saw my wife in lingerie?” He turns his head to look at me, and I don’t really want to answer him. I don’t really want to know. We all agree his wife is a scary woman—intense, bitchy, and downright judgmental—and those words aren’t a cover-up for her being ambitious. She’s rude. Thankfully, Zack doesn’t want a real answer from me and offers one himself.

“Never. She’s never worn something seductive in her life.” He scrubs at his hair again. “How did I end up with her?”

“You got her pregnant at a conference.” It’s the truth. Zack weakly smiles, but it’s full of regret. Who would have thought a law conference would get him hot? Apparently, blowing off steam included a few too many shots and an extra key to her hotel room. Zack did what he thought was the right thing to do. He claims fatherhood isn’t his forte, throwing himself into work, but his issues with fatherhood run deeper than his legal position.

“That’s why this business with Autumn concerns me.” Zack turns his back to his boys, placing his hands on the countertop. “She needs to be careful who she selects to father her child. I don’t want some asshole screwing her over.”

I swallow at the thought. As I promised her last night, if what we do doesn’t take, I’ll walk away, but the thought makes me feel like an asshole, and it’s the last thing I want to happen. Already I’m in over my head, fighting to remember it’s only sex and nothing more.

“I think Autumn’s sensible enough to make her own decisions,” I defend, protective of her decision to sleep with me last night.

“I’m just getting a strange vibe from Ben.”

“Does he disapprove of her idea?” Ben’s always been a protective older brother. He often allowed Autumn to tag along when they were kids, and she came to visit us while we were in college. That reminds me, I still can’t find a memory of her making a pass at me and me rejecting her, and it’s eating me up that I did such a thing.

“It’s weird, but I think he greatly approves of it. He mentioned how he just wants her taken care of, which seems like a strange comment as she’s taking care of herself, running her own business, living in her own place. He says she’s a natural-born caregiver, and she needs Operation Autumn 2.0 in her life.” Zack peeks over his shoulder. “Maybe she’ll stop hooking up with losers.”