Page 41 of Lose You Twice

“Holden.”

“There are other jobs.”

Not ones with hours I can maybe make work.

I don’t say that out loud. The last thing I want to do is make him feel more guilty than he already does for how little he’s able to help our situation, but the silence bothers me more than arguing would.

I soften my voice. “It’s an interview. Not a prison sentence.”

“With your ex.”

I point at him. “You were not supposed to have a good memory during that time.”

His mouth moves like he might smile, but it doesn’t last. “I’m serious.”

I sigh. “I know.” But knowing and doing are two very different things. I know that I need to pay for my classes this term and make sure I have the flexibility to help here when I need to.

“If it’s going to make you uncomfortable or sad, don’t take it.”

That would be nice, if only it were an option.

My feelings sadly don’t pay tuition. They don’t put gas in my car, or care that Mom received an unexpected bill from a doctor’s visit for the twins a few months ago at the table last night and went pale for ten full seconds before pretending like she had enough money in her account to cover that and groceries for the next week or two. She’s working her ass off, yet with each unexpected bill, that hard work is diminished to basically nothing.

I sling my bag over my shoulder. “If it’s awful, I won’t.”

That’s the closest I can get to the truth.

Holden knows it, too, which is why he nods and steps aside. “Your hair looks good.”

I narrow my eyes at him. “Lies. I have a mirror, and Lily also said it was doing ‘the weird thing,’ also known as sticking straight up on one side.”

He gives me a sheepish grin. “It is, but just a little.”

By the time I get everyone where they need to be, I am only ten minutes late to my first class, so I count it as progress.

The day moves in pieces.

Ethics lecture.

Coffee with Harlow.

A reminder to buy poster board, which I did last night, thank you very much, Past Me.

A text from Mom asking if I can thaw chicken for dinner since she’s only working a partial shift today and should be home in time to get the twins from school.

A second coffee I cannot afford but buy anyway because some days financial responsibility has to get in line behind survival. Harlow corners me outside the student center after our class together. She knows about the interview, but I asked her not to share it with Grayson, in fear it would get back to Kai before I was ready.

No point in worrying him when it’s still not set in stone. He might get angry, frustrated, excited? No, we are not going there.

Harlow’s face softens a little. “Are you okay?”

I sigh. “Everybody has got to stop asking me that.”

“That bad?”

“No. It’s just…” I look across campus, toward the athletic buildings in the distance. “It makes me feel awkward. Has me questioning if I’m already failing more than I think I am.”

“You’re doing a great job juggling a million things. I only ask because I care,” she says. “Are you worried about being back around Kai?”