Page 93 of Pretty ’n Peak

When she finally opened the floor to him, it was with an easy, “So, tell me what’s going on?” It felt almost like chatting with a friend. Maybe not someone he knew well, but someone he trusted enough to share all the big thoughts rolling around in his brain.

He started with kink, because that seemed to be the center of it all. How he used to love it. How the pleasure and excitement had left him. How things had gone downhill with Cam. And, hesitantly, all of those words Jamie and Carlos had applied to his old sub.

The pain of the way Cam had talked about his disability still hit him. He wasn’t sure why that part felt like the worst betrayal, but he told her that, too.

And then, Mateo, and that feeling of life returning to his veins, but only for a little while. Not in any way that he trusted. Especially because he was just showing a new sub the ropes.

Still, he couldn’t help but smile when he recounted each scene from the weekend. How moved Austin had been by the simple act of presenting him with some lingerie, though it hadn’t felt simple at the time.

Taja asked a few clarifying questions, but mostly listened. He wasn’t sure if any of it was helping, but it was nice in his own head to lay it all out. If this was what therapy was, he was inclined to come back. At least a few more times.

“Alright, I’m going to pause us there,” Taja told him. “And then I have a few questions for you, and some homework.”

“OK.” That seemed easy enough. He’d heard about therapy “homework” from friends.

“First, you said a few times that you love your work. So what do you love about it?”

Austin hadn’t expected the question and at first he was stunned. He hadn’t even been talking about work, or at least not directly. He found himself spluttering. What did he love about his work?

“I’ve worked there for twelve years.”

Taja made one of those humming noises that meant he should keep going. But he wasn’t sure what else he had.

“I guess… I used to find it exciting just to code. Back in college, I guess. And for a while at this start-up. It was like unlocking an endless puzzle, or creating something out of nothing.” But when had he last felt that way? “I don’t know if it feels that way any more. I kind of know what all the puzzles are, and it’s mostly just more of the same thing, but on a poorly planned schedule.”

“And what do you dislike about your work?”

“God, the management that never listens to anybody. The deadlines that always have us pushing out code too fast so I have to fix shit that we should have caught with a proper QA cycle.” The way Yi had just assumed he’d be staying late. The fact that he wasn’t really friends with anyone on his team, and wasn’t committed to the project at all. “It’s exhausting going in there every day. I… I think I might hate it.”

“Alright, pause that thought.” Taja cut him off. “Your first piece of homework is to imagine your dream job. Maybe not what you’d actually be doing, but what you’d feel like while you were doing it.”

Austin sucked in a deep breath. Because he knew that no matter what he conjured up, it wasn’t going to be anything like his current job. This was the expertise that he was paying for. How had he even missed how much he disliked his work?

“Your second piece of homework is to visit a few websites I’m going to email you. They have some background information on depression and situational depression.”

“Do you think I’m depressed?”

“I can tell you that you definitely meet the diagnostic criteria for depression. But that label’s only helpful if it helps you understand yourself better or make changes in your life. We’ll talk about it more next week, but I want you to spend some time noticing whether it describes your experiences.”

“Alright.” Wow. He’d never thought of himself as depressed. But… it made sense that that was the word for all of this grayness, frustration, and apathy.

“Your third piece of homework is to spend some time with people.”

He furrowed his brow. “I don’t like a lot of people.” He never had.

“I wasn’t going to suggest that. I’d like you to spend a few hours with an old friend—someone who you already know that you enjoy spending time with, but haven’t seen for a while. Notice how you’re feeling before, during, and after that meeting.”

“OK. I’ll think of someone.” Probably. It couldn’t be that hard.

“I’d like to remind you that you mentioned two different situations already where you were avoiding people you’d been close to because your ex was friends with them, only to discover that they’d been missing you and wanted to support you.”

Austin sighed. She was right. There were actually dozens of people that… he’d just shut out. Friends from his old munch. The group he used to do hack-a-thons with. People who used to invite him over for dinner or come to his place, before Cam got so demanding and he felt too drained to keep up.

“Just reach out to one person. And if they’re busy this week, someone else.”

He nodded with determination. That was manageable. There were actually some people that he missed.

“Finally, you presented your relationship with dominance and submission almost like a test case. So I’d like you to test it again.”