Page 83 of Love Lessons: Expanded Edition

So the next question is, do you want a Daddy? Don’t even worry about the age play for now, unless you want to, but could you see yourself in a relationship like that?

This was the heart of it. The place where he kept getting stuck. Every moment with Dustin had felt gloriously right. Like Dustin had reached inside him and brought every need and insecurity and desire into the light. And then wrapped them in soft silks and held them close.

But that made it terrifying, too. It was an awful lot of trust and dependence to have on someone. Someone who could walk away. Or just not fit. Someone who he’d wake up beside in a few months wondering how they’d gotten there and what they’d ever seen in each other in the first place.

It was also disconcerting to discover this whole new side of himself at the age of thirty. He’d thought that his days of exploration had ended after he’d made the rounds in kink and dating. Who was Dustin to toss this whole new kink at him, like a hot coal, without any warning?

There was something just… unbelievable about it. Like he would wake up one day and find that it had all been a dream.

He haltingly tried to explain all of this to Ash, appreciating their patience and understanding even more as he babbled through his confusion.

In the middle, the kids got bored and Ash directed everyone to the playground just outside the cafeteria. Landon usually felt like the playground was kind of a waste of time when they could be inside doing science, but today it was perfect.

Ash took in all of his rambling, thought about it, and finally spoke. It sounds to me like you enjoyed having a Daddy, inside the bedroom and outside, but you’re not sure if it’s sustainable as either a lifestyle choice or with someone you’ve only met a few times. Is that about right?

God, Ash was brilliant. How had they cut through all of that knotty clutter in his mind so easily? I guess so.

So a logical next step might be to get to know Dustin better and keep trying it to see if it works. Then you’ll either know that it’s what you want, negotiate something that works for you, or realize that you’re not a good match.

Landon felt tears stinging his eyes and quickly wiped them away so the kids wouldn’t see. He doesn’t want me now, though. He wanted me before, but I messed it all up.

He doesn’t want you to flirt with other people in front of him and not take him seriously. It’s not an unreasonable request from people who identify as monogamous or where you haven’t talked about flirting.

Landon didn’t know what to say. It would have been so easy to just spend the morning with Dustin, maybe even stay home from the munch entirely. So what the fuck had he been thinking?

You don’t know why you did it, do you? Ash's face held fond exasperation.

No… Do you?

I have three theories. I think you do it to protect yourself from getting too attached and getting hurt. I also think that you enjoy making people happy, and sometimes you do it out of habit, or without meaning it, but you don’t really distinguish between them because you’re never expecting more than a single scene with anyone. And I think you might have been hoping that Dustin would stop you.

I… How did you even know that?

I’m observant. And I like watching you. Ash said it plainly, the way they might have said that they liked coffee or bright colors, but there was an unexpected light behind their eyes.

Landon felt himself blushing and his heart picked up a little bit. Ash liked watching him? What do you mean?

You shine. You’re beautiful in the way that you’re confident and outgoing. And it means a lot to me to see you embrace whatever gender you’re in, because it makes me feel more confident about my gender, too. I also find you attractive. That whole “do I want to be you or do you?” thing. Ash shrugged, downplaying the whole thing.

So why didn’t you ever say anything about it? We flirt all the time. I would have hooked up with you. Ash was gorgeous, and he’d always felt a little chemistry with them. But to know that they’d been watching him for a while… It was a different kind of warmth from the way Dustin made him feel, a soft, comforting glow instead of a raging fire. It was also a really weird thing to think about while trying to figure out how he felt about Dustin.

Ash offered a mysterious smile. I might have once. I didn’t realize that you were a switch for a while. Then I realized that you were only interested in hook-ups, which also wasn’t for me. And now… you have someone important to you.

Landon pretended to bang his head against the monkey bars. Dustin doesn’t want hook-ups either. Is there something wrong with me?

Nope. And I think you know this in your head, but maybe not inside. It’s alright to have hook-ups. And it’s alright to be in relationships. And it’s alright to be in a relationship and have hook-ups at the same time, if you’re poly and everyone communicates a lot and agrees on it.

Landon rubbed his head. This is too many choices right now.

Alright, let’s make this simple. Do you want a relationship with Dustin?

I don’t even know. I mean, I do.But I have, like, a three-month curse. He laughed, but it wasn’t funny.

Ash didn’t laugh, their face showing only empathy. What does that mean?

I used to date a lot. All through college and a few years after that. I must have had a dozen relationships that I thought would really work out. But about three months in, every time, it would fall apart.

Why?