Page 12 of Dear Daddy, Please Want Me

He paused to add a link to the video. If they kept this sandbox for a while, there was a good chance that Christy would see it later, so he might as well amuse them both.

Nobody brings me presents, like sexy Daddies or candy cane mochas with whipped cream (because, let’s be honest, that gingerbread shit is nasty, but I can totally be a sell-out to Christianity if it gets me candy canes in my caffeinated sugar).

So maybe you can work on that, Santa, for the Jewiest Jew Boy ever?

Love and kisses,

Levi

He sent the letter off into the cloud and then clicked through the profile. He made it the same as PerfectDaddy’s, including copy-pasting the text, except for identifying himself, er, the user, as a boy and sub.

Then he clicked between the two search results. There was PerfectDaddy, 98% compatible, less than 5 miles away, and online now.

If only real life could be like that.

He poked around with the output logs on the backend for a few minutes and everything looked fine. Then he checked PerfectDaddy’s account for his Santa letter and there it was, right on top.

He changed a few settings with the location and distance, and still good. He started adding and removing kinks in JewBoy1, which lowered the compatibility quite a bit, but still kept the profile on the first screen or two of matches. Dammit.

He deleted the textbox with Talmud and his other interests, which dropped the compatibility lower than he expected. Well, maybe that was something to track down. He pasted the text back in and reset all of the kinks to the original matches, just for fun.

Alright, now he had one profile that was working. He needed to make another one that he could break.

He called this one JewBoy2. Because he might enjoy leaving jokes for Christy, but reliable names were still the best practice for test cases and he didn’t want to have to remember what they were all called later. He started with his letter.

Dear Santa,

Do you know what I really want for Christmas? I want to know what’s wrong with the matching algorithm.

Also, could Christmas be a little less Christmas-y? Like, how would you like it if all of the stores played Passover songs for a month every spring? Actually, making the country suffer through Dayenu and Ha Gad Ya on repeat would be hilarious. You should work on that, Santa.

Love and kisses,

Levi

P.S. Don’t forget the sexy Daddy. I promise not to be too greedy. (Serious about that one.) Still waiting over here...

Nobody would ever see it, but at least he amused himself.

He filled in the rest of the profile, keeping the first few things the same, like the location and the top three or four kinks on the list, and then clicking more or less at random. He pasted the text from JewBoy1 into the first two boxes that were required but left the others blank.

He clicked on matches and…. Jackpot. PerfectDaddy was nowhere to be found. He clicked back to the first account. Now, that was weird. The total number of hits was almost the same, 1,694 versus 1,711. He’d expected the number to decrease significantly.

He dug into the output logs, set them to display everything, and checked everything he could think of.

There was just no reason to have PerfectDaddy disappear. When he searched PerfectDaddy’s name, there was a 77% match, more than good enough to make it onto the second or third page, which trailed off into the sixties.

He went back to PerfectDaddy’s account and tried the reverse. JewBoy1 had an 84% compatibility and showed up just fine. JewBoy2 was missing. What the ever loving fuck?

OK, one more profile. He’d keep one matching, one broken, and one that he could mess around with.

JewBoy3. He was kind of looking forward to the Santa letter this time.

Dear Santa,

Happy Hanukkah! Just kidding. Hanukkah’s over.

Now I’m just looking forward to the time-honored Jewish tradition of sitting on my couch, alone, eating Chinese food and watching movies on that random day in December when I have to take off work and no one wants to hang out. You know… Christmas.