Page 10 of Obeying

"Portland. Delayed splenic rupture. Walk me through management."

A few of the other residents glance at me. I've become the show now, the one they watch to see if she breaks or delivers. I hate it, and I'm used to it at the same time.

I keep my voice steady. "Depends on the grade and hemodynamic status. If the patient is stable, then non-operative management with serial abdominal exams, repeat imaging at forty-eight to seventy-two hours to rule out pseudoaneurysm or expanding hematoma. Bed rest, type and screen on hold, and a low threshold for angioembolization if there's any change."

He doesn't react at all. Just keeps looking at me, and I can see him turning something over behind that neutral expression, deciding whether to let me off or push harder.

He pushes harder.

"Good. Now tell me what you'd do differently if the CT was inconclusive and the patient was hypotensive."

The other residents shift slightly. Brennan, who's standing next to me, exhales like he's grateful the spotlight isn't on him. It permeates the air—this collective relief that it's me and not them.

"If the CT is inconclusive and the patient is hypotensive, I'm not waiting for better imaging. I'm doing a FAST exam at the bedside. If there's free fluid in Morrison's pouch, that's my answer. The patient goes to the OR for an exploratory laparotomy. You don't sit on a declining patient because the scan wasn't clear enough."

Logan adjusts his glasses, nods once, barely, and moves on to the next bed like I just told him the weather forecast instead of answering a question that would've tripped up half the residents in this program. I'm left standing there with my pulse running too fast because I still can't tell if this man is trying to build me up or break me down. Both feel exactly the same from where I'm standing.

After rounds, I find Priya in the residents' lounge. She's already got her bag and her jacket, which means she's thinking the same thing I am.

"Food truck?" she says.

"Please."

We grab lunch from the truck parked outside the hospital, the one with the good tacos that always has a line, and sit on a bench across the street because I need air, and she can tell without me saying it.

"So." She bites into her taco like this is a casual conversation and not an interrogation. "What's the deal with you and Dr. Maxwell?"

"There's no deal. He just keeps singling me out."

"Yeah, I noticed. He asked you four questions today. He asked Brennan one." She holds up a finger. "One. And Brennan almost cried."

"So he's hard on everyone."

"He's hard on everyone. He's brutal to you." She looks at me sideways. "You make him mad or something?"

I think about med school. About four years of making him mad every single day. About arguments in lecture halls and study sessions that turned into shouting matches, and a flashcard I threw at his head that he caught without looking.

"No," I say. "I barely even talk to him."

Priya studies me for a second, chewing slowly, like she's deciding whether to believe me. Then she shrugs. "Well, either he hates you, or he sees potential in you. No in-between with that guy."

"It's definitely the first one."

She laughs, and I almost laugh too. Sitting here with Priya, eating tacos on a bench in the sun, complaining about attendings like it's the biggest problem in the world, it's easy to forget what happens during rounds. Out here, with her, I'm just another resident on her break, and I want to stay in that feeling a little longer before I have to go back inside and face whatever Logan Maxwell is turning me into.

"You know what I heard?" Priya leans in like she's about to share classified intelligence. "Jameson asked one of the nurses if Maxwell had ever smiled. Like, ever. In his entire life."

"What did the nurse say?"

"She said she saw him almost smile once. During a really clean anastomosis. But she couldn't confirm because he was wearing a mask."

I press my lips together hard because I'm not going to laugh at that. I'm not.

"You're smiling," Priya says, pointing at me with her taco.

"I'm not."

"You are. You're human after all."