Page 24 of Split You Open

Blair shifts, scooting behind me a bit as she tries to get comfortable.

I don’t think the bed is the problem.

Giving Blair some semblance of privacy as she bares her soul to me, I keep my back to her. She’d given me the same grace while we laid in the dark in her room after she pulled me from the cliff’s edge.

“This would be the moment where Ledger showed up, Rhett. I never thought that I’d be in a position where I wouldn't be able to call him if shit hit the fan. We’re in this predicament because of him. I hate him more than anything else in this entire world.” She pauses to take a deep, steadying breath. In a small voice, she pushes on, “But, as much as I loathe him, I can’t help but still look for him in the woods or on the road or wherever we go. It’s crazy, right? Willing him to just appear despite this being his fault?”

It is crazy.

But I also understand to an extent.

“He was your safety net,” I mutter. “It makes sense you want him to do what he’s always done in the past.”

I wish I could save her from all this; that I could be her hero right now. Yet, all I can do is be here for her, watching her back while we figure this shit out. It doesn’t feel like a lot. Not when everything feels so dire.

Blair lets out a shaky breath, bringing me back to the moment.

“There’s more, right?” I press. “Just spit it out, Blair.”

There’s a long pause. I don’t break it. If Blair needs a moment to gather her thoughts, I’ll give it to her.

“On top of struggling to swallow down that pill, I have to deal with the fact that every day there’s a new threat to your life, Rhett,” she admits, her voice softening.

She leans back against the wall of the van. I remove my socks as I listen to her exhale sharply.

“I’ve already lost so many people. Between Dad, Santi, Wes and…” She swallows hard. “Ledger—it feels like my world’s imploded. I can’t lose you too. I would rather die than let anything happen to you, Rhett. I-I care about you. A lot. I did before this, but… it feels like more now.”

Oh.

Oh…

Understanding dawns on me.

My heart shudders under the intensity of the emotions that swell up, inspired by her words. Twisting to look at Blair over my shoulder, I find her staring at me. Her eyes are wide, imploring me to understand what she’s saying while simultaneously pleading for me not to hurt her with this information.

Fuck, I’ve been such a bastard.

She thinks I’m going to snap or dismiss this like I would’ve in the past.

I have a track record of hurting others when I know they love me—look how I treated Santi all these years. Blair’s not wrong to be wary.

Well, that changes now. I won’t squander this. How do I tell her that I feel the same way? I can’t just blurt it out, can I? Fuck. I don’t know what I’m doing here but I want to do something to make her understand that what she’s feeling isn’t one sided.

But opening up? I just… I don't know how. I’ve been resisting any type of connection with anyone for years. I don’t know how to connect anymore. I’m trying but damn, it’s so fucking hard. Why can’t I just say what I’m feeling?

When I open my mouth, it’s not the words I want that come tumbling out. Nothing sweet or reassuring passes my lips. Instead, it’s a gruff order.

“Take your coat off.”

Blair doesn’t say anything, she doesn’t move either.

My stomach churns as I fight the urge to panic. I want to be nice, I do. But I’m nervous and uncomfortable with all these feelings inside of me so instead of being sweet, I’m the exact opposite out of pure habit.

“Do it or I’ll do it for you and then I’ll poke at your fucking stitches,” I tell her. Her arm is healing nicely, actually. I probably wouldn’t do it, but if she pushed me, I’d consider it.

She breaks our stare down pretty quick and does as she’s told. When her jacket is off, I reach for her legs and drag her across the mattress to pull them onto my lap. Before I can overthink too much about what I’m doing, I start to undo the laces of her boots. It’s not an intimate act, yet as I pull her boots off her feet it feels like it.

My heart is hammering away in my chest.