Page 14 of Split You Open

I chuckle at his deadpan tone. That seems to help him relax because he lets out another heavy sigh.

“A memory,” he mutters. “What kind of memory keeps you from breathing?”

“One where I was being forced to die,” I reply bitterly without thinking.

All the tension that left Rhett’s body returns and he goes utterly still.

“What?”

I wince. “Never mind, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“But you did. Now elaborate.”

I don’t want to but given how shaken Rhett appears, maybe an explanation will help him understand and relax.

“My Dad was passionate about me being able to survive anything,” I start. “One of the lessons he taught me was how to not fear death. To do that, he wanted me to experience it. You know, expose yourself to your fears so you become desensitized to them, kind of thing.”

Rhett’s jaw clenches as he looks down at the floor but he’s still listening.

“I guess Dad thought the lake we were camping beside was as good of a spot as ever to show me that death shouldn’t be feared,” I continue. “He told me what he was going to do, promised that he’d never let me go completely—just enough to taste it, and then… he did it.”

Through clenched teeth, Rhett asks in a slow growl, “He did what?”

Flashes of my nightmare return. The panic, the fear of disappointing Dad, the agony of not being able to breathe… I shudder.

“He drowned me in the lake,” I whisper, looking down into my hands. “He held me under until I passed out. That’s what I was dreaming about. But that’s not… What you saw, all my nightmares look like that. You’ll never hear me scream. Silence being the key to my survival was drilled into me the minute Dad took me under his wing. It’s so ingrained that even unconscious, I know to remain quiet.”

Rhett leaps to his feet.

The movement is so abrupt that I flinch, not sure what to expect from him. His expression twists with disgust.

“What in the actual fuck?!” he demands. “Your dad tried to kill you for educational purposes?”

When he puts it like that it sounds bad.

“Dad exposed me to all sorts of questionable things but it was so I was prepared for anything,” I explain, trying not to get defensive.

“So, he kills you. Sounds like great fucking parenting.”

“Actually, he didn’t get the chance to finish the lesson,” I reply quickly, trying to somehow make it all better. “Ledger was set to join us. He found our campsite and saw what Dad was doing. Ledger stopped him and dragged me out of the water himself.”

The corner of Rhett’s upper lip curls upward in disgust.

“Big whoop. Ledger comes in to save the day—he’s a hero.” He rolls his eyes. “But did Ledger really save you if he left you with your dad afterward?”

“Dad wasn’t doing anything wrong. It was just another lesson, Ledger knew that.”

Rhett stares at me like I’ve started speaking in another language. “Can’t you see you were abused and Ledger let that happen?”

“Trust me, I know what abuse is. Dad saved me from it,” I hiss, getting defensive. Rhett balks, his eyes widen further in alarm—maybe even fear. Quickly, I push on. “What Dad put me through wasn’t abuse. I was being taught how to⁠—”

“There are different types of abuse, Blair. This was physical and psychological!” Rhett interrupts sharply. “And no doubt Ledger knew that. Maybe Ledger was just getting off on your suffering? It would explain all of this—” Rhett throws a hand around the room. “He gets to be up close and personal to it before watching you get put down like a dog.”

Rhett’s words strike hard.

All these years I thought Ledger cared but maybe… maybe Rhett’s right? Ledger wasn’t blind to Dad’s lessons. He’d been there for many of them. Ledger never stepped in, though. I thought it was because he agreed with it all.

Not that he was enjoying it.