Page 26 of Ex Somnis

I brush my sleeve across my eyes before anything can actually fall, which is stupid because there’s no one here to see it, but I’ve been not crying in front of people my whole life. It’s a habit that runs deep.

“Okay, who needs their throat chakra aligned?”

I startle so hard the book nearly goes off the swing entirely.

Jasper is standing three feet away in the garden, head tilted, curls askew from however fast he walked here.

“Where did you just come from?”

He’s wearing two different socks and one earring shaped like a tiny sword, because of course, he is.

“School ended early. Not the point.” He closes the distance and drops onto the other swing, the one she sat on when I kissed her. He doesn’t look at it like it’s significant, but fuck, it is for me. “What’s going on with you?”

“Nothing.”

“Your eyes are red.”

“It’s cold.”

“Then what are you doing out here?”

“Taking a break.”

He gives me a long look. “You are taking a break.”

“Yes.”

“You…” he points at me, “… Nevan Shaw. Sitting still on a Wednesday before a logging shift?”

“I’ve got some time before I have to get there.”

“What happened to depression can’t hit a moving target.” He mocks me in a deep voice, repeating what I always answered when he told me to take a break.

I shrug and brush my sleeve across my face again, mostly for something to do, then ask, “Did you just offer to punch someone in the throat for me?”

“Yeah.”

“What is wrong with you?”

“Today or in general?”

I huff, and it’s almost a laugh, which is the thing about Jasper. He can pull that out of me when nothing else can, when I’m running on no sleep, guilt, and a book I can’t read. He can still get an almost laugh.

“I love you, you know that, right?”

Jasper’s eyebrows shoot up. “What?”

“My thing with not liking all the…” I gesture vaguely at his rings, the deck of cards presumably somewhere on his person, “… the woo-woo stuff. That’s not about you. That’s just me not understanding it and being weird about what I don’t understand.” I look at him properly. “You’re the best brother anyone could ask for. I should say that more.”

He’s quiet, then asks, “Did you get a diagnosis? Do you only have a few months to live? Is that what this is?”

“Jasp.”

“Wow, that wasn’t in my cards.”

“Who would even diagnose me? That stuff costs money.”

“I could do a reading.”