Page 129 of Ex Somnis

“She is standing right here,” I say.

Ridge leans down and bites my ear, very gently, but I refuse to acknowledge this.

“So, you have two now. Does that mean…” Nevan reaches for my hand. “Can you wake up then?”

I close my eyes and reach for the membrane between here and there, the place where sleeping and waking press up against each other. I reach and reach, but absolutely nothing moves.

My dream doesn’t even flicker.

Slowly, I open my eyes to three pairs of eyes waiting.

“No.”

Ridge claps his hands. “Okay, no need to worry or panic. That means you need to tether to Paul too. Which should be easy, right? You guys are dating, and yeah, I am admitting that right here. Don’t look at me like that, Paul. You guys are a cute little couple and love each other, so go ahead and tether.”

I look at Paul and reach for whatever it is that connects me to them. That pull I now understand has a name, and I feel the three cords I already have. Tessa, Ridge, Nevan, but besides that, nothing.

Not absence, exactly. It’s not like Paul isn’t there. He is. But it feels more like a door I know exists but can’t find the handle for, and I don’t understand it, because I know what I feel for him. I know.

I have no idea why I’m not tethered to Paul if I am to Nevan and Ridge. I do have the same amount of feelings for him as I have for them. If anything, I feel even safer with him.

I’m sure of him. I’m with him.

“If I’m not—” Paul starts but cuts himself off again, his eyes finding mine. “If I’m not what you need for this, I can find out what else might work. There might be other options.”

He thinks this means something about him and whether he’s enough. I hear how he said if I’m not what you need, and I want to grab him by the lapels of that cardigan and tell him to shut up, like Ridge did to me only minutes ago.

“Shit, Lemon.” Nevan’s hand tightens on mine, and I turn to find his eyes clamped shut. “I think I’m going to…”

Ridge produces a marker from nowhere and holds it out to Nevan.

“Draw something and focus on the lines. Don’t think about what we’re doing right here.”

Nevan takes it without question, looks around for a surface, and settles on a yellow gummy bear behind him, crouching down to draw on it. Ridge raises his chin at Paul, giving him a look, then turns and steps beside Nevan.

When I turn back to Paul, his face is still doing something I can’t let him keep doing.

“You are what I want,” I tell him, because it’s the truth. He lets out a long breath like he’s relieved, but his shoulders are still tense, so I add, “I don’t understand why I’m not tethered to you how I am to them. I don’t know how any of this works, but I want…” I look at my citrus fingernails on my breadstick fingers. “I want you just as much. That’s the truth. I need you to know that.”

He steps closer, and his hand comes up to my cheek, letting his thumb glide over my bottom lip. The touch is so deliberate and entirely Paul that I feel it all the way down to my toes.

But his touch also makes me realize my bottom lip is wobbling again.

Can’t a girl catch a break?

“Eyes on me, darling.”

I look up, and his eyes are soft behind the glasses, the love in them plain and unguarded.

“I think I know what the problem is,” he says quietly. “You don’t trust me.”

What?

“That’s not true, I trust you.”

“I know.” His knuckles move on my cheek. “You trust me with everything except your heart, which is fair because until very recently, I was still trying to figure out how to make you choose me. Only me.” Something moves through his expression that I recognize as the closest thing Paul Bennett has to shame. “I kept thinking about how to show you I was the one for you. As if that were a competition I could win. I didn’t want to accept the others. I even told you that it makes me uncomfortable.”

My chest aches.