Page 123 of In Somnis

Breadstick fingers. Every single one, pale and slightly doughy, tapering to soft, rounded ends where my knuckles should be.

“This is a dream.” I set the cup down very slowly…

… and the mall brightens around me all at once, colors deepening, the skylight suddenly blazing, the fountain rushing back loud and clear as if someone turned the volume up all the way.

I look at Tessa.

She’s exactly as I remember her, and nothing like the still, pale version sitting in that chair by the window. Shoulder-length dark hair, a little wavy at the ends, green eyes bright, and freckles scattered across her nose and cheeks. She’s beautiful like she always was, annoyingly pretty.

“Hey, girl,” she greets in a soft tone, like we haven’t seen each other in years.

We haven’t.

Not like this.

“Tessa.” My voice breaks on the second syllable.

I’m across the bench before I’ve decided to move, and then my arms are around her, and she’s real, solid, warm, smells like cocoa butter, and I pull her in so hard I hear her exhale in surprise before she pulls me back just as fiercely, her arms locking around me, her face pressing into my hair.

“I missed you,” I gasp into her shoulder. “Every single day, I missed you⁠—”

“I know.” Her arms tighten. “I know, Lenny.”

“You’re here,” I say, because I need to hear it out loud.

“I never left,” she murmurs. “I’ve always been right here.”

I don’t know if that makes it better or worse. Better. I decide that right now because I cannot afford to make any other decision.

Tessa pulls back before I do. She’s still smiling, but underneath it is urgency.

“How long can you hold this?” she asks. “Lucidity?”

“I don’t know.” I glance around. The mall is still bright, the fountain still loud, the empty corridors stretching away in both directions. “It feels stable.”

“It won’t last forever.” She takes both my hands in hers, and her grip is firm. “So I need you to listen to me, okay? Really listen.”

“I have so many questions⁠—”

“I know, and I’ll answer them, but not now.” Her eyes find mine. “There’s something I need to tell you first.”

I go still.

“I can’t stay where I am,” she says.

There’s something frantic under her voice now, something I’ve never heard from her before.

“This in-between is making me lose my mind. I’m not fully here, and I’m not fully there, and I’ve been stuck in it for years because…” she pauses, squeezes my hands once, “… because of you.”

“Me?”

“You’re my tether, Lenny.” She says it as if it’s obvious. “I can’t let go completely because some part of me won’t leave you behind. It never could.”

The words take a second to reach me. And then they do, all at once.

“I’m the reason you’re stuck?” Dread claws up my spine. “All this time, I’m the reason⁠—”

“No.” Her hands squeeze mine hard. “Listen to me. It’s not your fault. It’s not something you did, it’s just what we are to each other.” She waits until I look at her. “I love you too much to let go, and that love is the thing keeping me from somewhere I need to be. That’s not your fault, it’s just the truth.”