Page 36 of Heart Of A Goon II

“For the longest time I thought there was something wrong with me.”

“Babes, there was something wrong with you,” Kobe chuckled.

“True. I ignored it for a while and thought I could outwork it or even shake it away. At one point, I thought changing my diet would change things.”

Kobe nodded his head, letting me know that he had gone through denial like I had. I think most people went through the different stages because they didn’t know or understand what depression looked like. They assumed because you were high spirited, or the life of the party that it couldn’t happen to you.

“See, I was the opposite. I thought if I isolated and slept all day that it would eventually go away. Hamza was the one that pulled me up out the house and took me to the hospital.”

“Yeah?”

He nodded. “Uh huh. I sent him a text and told him that I loved him.”

“Were you going to go through with it?” I questioned.

He offered a small smile, taking my hand into his. “Honestly, I don’t know. I do know that Hamza got that text message and came for me. Who knows what would have happened if he didn’t come to my house.”

Havoc and Kobe were complete opposites. Kobe was loud, outgoing, and told it like it was. Havoc was quiet and stayed to himself, you hardly heard him speak. I learned that it was because he was deaf and he didn’t like the way he sounded. When you witnessed he and Kobe’s friendship, it warmed your heart because they were a unlikely pair.

I also knew that Havoc and the Gods would go to war behind Kobe. He wasn’t just a brother to Havoc, he was their brother, too, and his sexuality didn’t matter to them.

“I say all of this to say that I understand. I grew up a gay little Black boy in the hood. It was inevitable for me to experience some kind of depression,” he joked, trying to bring light to this conversation.

“Not true, Kobe.”

“I’ve heard about my sexuality before I even knew what the word meant. Always being called sweet or sassy. It didn’t help when I lost my sister, who was my voice. So, depression has always been in the cards for me, love.”

I laced my fingers through his and smiled at him. “Low battery besties.”

“LBB’s.” He kissed my hand.

INEZ

His condo was always nice.

It always smelled nice, too. Like an expensive version of vanilla and tobacco or something. Soon as you entered his building, the different scents invaded your nostrils. There was one when you came inside, another when you went into the elevator, then one once you got off the elevator and walked to his door.

Soon as he opened the door, that was when the vanilla and tobacco invaded your nostrils. The brown and cream interior was throughout the condo. Once you entered the foyer, there were African paintings and sculptures, and a shag brown carpet that shoes weren’t allowed on.

No shoes.

I always felt self-conscious having to kick my sneakers off and expose that I had no socks on. It never bothered him because he always made me shower before I got into bed with him.

His body against mine should have felt good. Any woman in my position would have been elated to be in this man’s condo, in his bed, and have his semen leaking down the inside of their legs.

Except, I was always numb because he took care of me.

Took care of me the way Rylan used to take care of me. I was always finding men who wanted to take care of me in that way. They would make me feel good, so in return they could make themselves feel even better.

I never felt how rough he was with me during, but I always paid for it the next morning. My body felt like he had tossed me around the state of New York and then put me back into the bed. My mind never allowed me to remember, but that was just a coping mechanism.

It felt better not to remember anything. There was nothing in my life worth trying to remember, so I walked around looking for anything to make me forget.

My eyes popped open when I heard a loud crash coming from the living room. I looked over at the expensive alarm clock, and it was well after three in the afternoon. Kevin never allowed me to stay this long.

He looked disgusted with me after he finished doing whatever he wanted to me. I always held my breath and waited for the insults to roll out about how I was a good for nothing junkie and I smelled.

Which couldn’t have been true.