Page 18 of Heart Of A Goon II

Even now, it was hard to come to terms that I deserved someone like Goo.

I cuddled up on the balcony and stared out at the water as it crashed onto the white sand in front of me. Won Island was Stevie’s wedding gift that she picked out when she married Menace. She had a choice of nearly everything, and it was like pulling teeth to get her to choose anything. She was in love with my brother and he was all she wanted.

That was how I knew she was there for Menace, and not what he had. She truly loved my brother, and I witnessed that every time I was around them. Their child was direct evidence of their love. Dennis couldn’t have been more perfect and a result of his parents’ love and craziness. I felt bad for the sucker, because his father was bat shit crazy.

Just when he thought he could run to his mother, he would then realize she was just as wacked out as his father.

Poor kid.

We landed at a private airport in Grenada, and were whisked to the island by helicopter. You could access the island by boat or helicopter, but you had to have special permission to be able to do so. Menace’s yacht was always anchored near Won Island, with it occasionally being sailed to Europe whenever he wanted it there.

On the island there were five villas. The main villa was on the other side of the island, which was where Stevie and Menace stayed. The other four villas were alongside each other and right on the beach. From the villas, you had access to the beautiful white sand and the bluest water I had ever witnessed. In the distance, you could see the island of Grenada. If we ever wanted to go to the island, we could easily get there by boat.

This was my first time ever visiting this island. Every time Stevie invited me, I always made some excuse as to why I couldn’t visit. Whenever she and Menace would disappear, they came here.

It was their safe bubble from the world, and I loved that for them. Somewhere that they could connect without having to interact with the outside world. The island had running water, electricity, and a full staff who were prepared to wait on you hand and foot.

Izayah was sleeping peacefully on me, the muslin baby blanket covered her, as the air kissed her face. She was fussy and I knew she missed her mother. The breast milk that Blair sent did nothing for her.

She wanted to smell and feel her mother, and I couldn’t fault her for that. Gams was worried about her boys and Mina, so I could see her becoming flustered with trying to get Zayah down for bed.

Elijah was quiet, although I knew he missed his parents and was worried. Everyone was on edge, and although I had never had to comfort Zayah, or had taken her overnight without her parents, there was something inside of me that told me to take her from Gams.

Gams showed me how to warm her bottle up and gave me a blanket that Blair always used when breastfeeding her. I went back to my room, and she slept for a few hours while I watched over her, until she started to fuss, and I had to make another bottle.

This time, she didn’t want the bottle. Her diaper was changed, and she was still fussy, so I took her on the balcony with me. After a few minutes, she settled down and allowed the fresh air to consume her.

I wrapped her in the blanket and gently patted her butt while humming a Janet Jackson song. Once her eyes got to fluttering, she held onto the neck of my shirt and I continued to rock her, while feeling at peace.

Izayah was a reminder that I had my own baby inside of me. A baby who would need their mother to soothe them.

I was their mother.

Tears pricked my eyes, as I looked out at the beach, thinking about how I would be as a mother. I had one shot at this, and I couldn’t fumble my child.

How could I be a good mother if I didn’t even know who I was? I had been lied to my entire life about who I was, and I was haunted by it. My dreams were no longer my own. They belonged to her.

The reoccurring dream of her sitting in the wheelchair screaming for me continued to haunt me. She was reaching for me, trying to grab me and cradle me like the baby she held. Every time her face flashed in my dreams, I woke up in a cold sweat.

My heart felt like it was going to beat out my chest, and I felt sick to my stomach. She was my mother. Had I not pushed, this would have remained a secret for me. Everyone around me would have kept this quiet and never said anything.

They didn’t get to do that.

Lie to my face, while keeping a secret as big as the one they kept. Then I was considered difficult when they were hiding things behind my back. I hated that I was always the one who was considered dramatic or difficult when the people around me did things to me.

Menace stepped up and did what needed to be done so we didn’t go to foster care. He went above and beyond, making sure that we always had. We barely saw him at times, but we knew food would be on the table.

He made a promise we would be able to have pizza often, and he came through on that promise.

However, two things could be true.

Menace was a provider for us and did the best that he could. He wasn’t given a rule book when our parents died. He didn’t know what came with raising kids who were mourning right along with him.

Which meant he made mistakes along the way. He never learned to communicate, which drove me and Landon crazy. He did things which made me feel like he hated me at times. Forcing me to do things I never wanted to do, down to picking out the friends I should hang with. He had control over every aspect of my life, and I never knew why.

Things kept happening.

While I was trying to get through the fog of grief and try to make life as normal as possible, he would toss a monkey wrench and expect for us to go along with it. I don’t care what anyone said, if someone was constantly making decisions and switching your life course around, you would have a problem with that.