Page 125 of Heart Of A Goon II

I swallowed hard as I looked between the both of them, ashamed to admit it out loud. It had been years but admitting that I tried to kill myself was something that I kept close to the chest. I was embarrassed that I had gotten that low that it led me to wanting to check out.

Back then, I remember waking up and being in so much pain. The emotional and mental pain was so heavy that it nearly felt physical. Grief had a way of latching onto you and sucking the life out of you.

No matter how much you tried to push it off and move on with your life, it was there. As a teen, it was so crippling because I wanted my mother there for everything. I needed her more than I knew and knowing that she was gone hurt me even more as more time passed.

It was easier when she first passed. As life went on and the other, I became, I realized I needed my mommy more than I thought. I would need her when I met the love of my life and then had children. She was supposed to be here to help me through motherhood.

Some mornings I would wake up and could smell her signature scent in the air. It almost felt like I was being mind fucked, because I hadn’t smelled it in years. Then I was expected to get dressed and go to work. How could I stare at my laptop and focus on work when my world was falling apart around me?

Then you had people who couldn’t understand what grief did to people. People so selfish and worried about their own wants and needs that they never saw the person. Never understood the pain that a person could go through losing the person that was responsible for giving you life.

I squeezed my brother’s hand tighter because he had to go through this alone. He didn’t have anyone to lean on, and then he still had to help his three other siblings with their grief.

“I’m sorry, Maverick.” I sobbed into his hand. “I’m such a fucking brat… I’m sorry for putting you through everything and never stopping to think about your pain. Never took into consideration that you were barely surviving.”

He pulled my hand up to his mouth and kissed the back of it. “I’d do it all again for y’all, Bean.”

Before I knew what I was doing, I tossed my arms around him. His body tensed up, and I didn’t care. I held onto him as I cried into his shoulder. Life had been so hard on him, and I had been even harder.

Didn’t extend him grace when he deserved it.

I could recognize that he may have not done everything correctly, and had done things that hurt me, but that doesn’t take away the fact that this man put me through college and law school.

He made sure we never needed anyone for anything and never asked for anything back. His job was considered done seeing us be successful, even if we never wanted to spend a holiday with him.

I felt his arm wrap around me slowly, and he squeezed me. “I don’t get it right always… I don’t mean to hurt you. I’m sorry, Bean.”

“I never wanted you to die. I was so hurt. I’m so sorry.” My voice was muffled as I held onto him tightly.

I melted into my brother’s arms, feeling like years of pain and anger were slipping away from me. The hatred that I had for him over a man that never mattered felt so juvenile. I wished I could take the words back, but I couldn’t do that.

Sometimes you said shit that hurt and burned, and you could never take it back, no matter how hard you tried.

“I fucking love you, Bean. Never question that my love isn’t real. I don’t care who your mother is and how you got here. You are a Caselli, and you are my baby sister. Ight?”

I pulled back and wiped my face with his shirt, and I watched his jaw clench.

“He about to beat the fuck out you,” Don muttered.

“I’m pregnant, Maverick… I’m so sorry. I know I was supposed to go to Morgan State.” I sniffled wiping my eyes.

He sighed. “You were supposed to take us out the hood… you had a full ride, and you go and do this…for the fucking basketball player?”

“He’s a football player and I lo⁠—”

“What the fuck is going on?” Don blurted, basically saying that nothing we had to say was important.

“You fucking selfish, Don. She’s telling us about her pregnancy, and you do this?” he sniffled, wiping his own face.

Don stood up, pulling me to my feet, and then helped Maverick up on his. “You both are cracked the fuck out… I’m going to get a plate of food. Your wife is there and expecting an apology.”

“Already knowing… screamed at her.”

“Scared the fuck out of me,” I mumbled.

He looked at me and laughed. “I failed her.”

Now it was both me and Don’s turn to be confused. Getting inside of Maverick’s head felt weird. It felt like I was being allowed access into a place that had a restricted sign. This was a place only reserved for four people.