Page 16 of The Sole Love

“Perhaps you were too overwhelmed to understand what you felt. And the poor gentleman was in no better condition. You were both so careful with each other that you scarcely behaved naturally at all.”

“Yes, exactly. But even when I returned home, I did not understand.”

“Perhaps because it is new. Even an intelligent girl may be remarkably slow to understand herself.” Mrs Gardiner smiled. “Do not hurry to name it. Enjoy these moments and discover what your admiration truly means.”

“I cannot. Not yet. I am afraid.”

“Then take small steps. But do not run away merely because you are frightened by where they may lead.”

Elizabeth drew a deep breath.

Mrs Gardiner understood. Her niece needed time, and telling her what she suspected would achieve nothing. Elizabeth had to discover it for herself.

With considerable tact, Mrs Gardiner changed the subject.

“But what is wrong with your sister now? I thought she had finally found a new interest.”

Elizabeth was silent for a moment. What had just happened within her was so unexpected that concentrating on Jane required an effort.

“We almost quarrelled,” she finally said. Under other circumstances, the admission would have troubled her much more.

“I told her I was a little worried about her going outside with Mr Haskett.”

“Indeed, and your uncle did not like that at all. I made every effort not to begin such a discussion at breakfast. Still, if it happens again, I am not sure I shall be able to prevent him from scolding her. And? You merely told her the truth.”

“Yes, but she accused me of spoiling her new happiness.”

“New happiness?” Mrs Gardiner repeated, now slightly concerned. “And?”

“She told me something very strange. She reproached me for not always behaving properly at Netherfield.”

“That is unexpected. I cannot imagine you behaving improperly.”

“She may be right. I cannot entirely disagree with her. I sometimes behave oddly, though certainly not as she did last night. I tend to become rather vehement in conversation, and at Netherfield Mr Darcy was arrogant and sarcastic. I may have answered him in much the same tone. Jane told me that I embarrassed her.”

“I see. But we might equally say that you were embarrassed last night when she went outside with that gentleman.”

“Yes, perhaps. But I never imagined that she had ever been embarrassed by me. It was a truth I had never considered.”

“She is the kindest and most open-hearted person in the world, but she is also shy and easily hurt by the judgement of others. Your mother was always particularly attentive to her when you were children, and I think she continued to be so without even noticing it. You never seemed to need the same attention.”

“You may be right.” Elizabeth reflected for a moment and then smiled. “Until I was perhaps ten, I scarcely ever had a new gown. My ‘new’ gown was usually one of Jane’s old ones with different ribbons or lace. But do not misunderstand me. It never troubled me. Mary had my gowns afterwards, while Kitty and Lydia eventually learnt how to demand new ones. I never noticed that I lacked Mama’s attention because I had Papa’s guidance and spent so much time with him. I found his company much more interesting than hers.”

She stopped abruptly and blushed. It was hardly a charitable thing to say about her mother, however true it might be.

Mrs Gardiner touched her hand in understanding.

“You were always interested in books and conversation. Jane is quite different. She is a wonderful girl, but extraordinarily sensitive.”

“That is why I decided to keep what happened at the Parsonage secret from her. I intended to tell her last night, but it was impossible. You know, I was so angry with Mr Darcy because of Jane, because I wanted to protect her, and because of our family. Now I see how wrong I was. I should have been angry with him for the way he proposed to me. I might have reproached him for his arrogance and his words. Instead, I defended everyone except myself. And now, with this new situation…”

Mrs Gardiner concealed a smile.

Elizabeth called it situation. Mrs Gardiner had another name for it, but she wisely kept that name to herself.

“Forget the past. Last evening, you both left those destructive attitudes behind. Whatever happens between you now should begin with what you have learned about each other.”

“He said they were leaving for Rosings.”