Page 46 of My Sunfall

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The villa is too quiet at night—the deafening silence is only interrupted by the echo of my steps on the marble floor. After I wandered around every room, noting that nothing had changed in my absence, I retreat into my old room. Even though the housekeeper’s and the driver’s families live on the premises, I still feel the acute solitude pushing down on me. By the time I lie on my bed, I am empty and exhausted, but still, sleep eludes me. Suddenly, the air shifts and becomes electric. My eyes fly open and I make out a silhouette by the door, cast in shadows and shrouded in moonlight.

“Lucas…” I whisper.

Without a word he crosses the room and sits on the bed. He bends over me and grazes his lips over my temple while the smell of his cologne hits my senses. I instinctively curl my fingers into the sheets, wishing it was him, and fearing to act on it.

“You shouldn’t be here,” I whisper. I don’t even bother to wonder how he managed to slip in.

“I told you, love, I won’t leave you alone. Ever,” he rumbles against my neck as he inhales deeply.

I suppress a shudder. Then he stands up and starts undressing. My eyes follow his movements in the dark, and I swallow hard, not sure if what I feel is dread or…something else.

When he is bare save for his boxers, he moves onto the bed. He lies down next to me and extends his arm to wrap it around me and pulls me flush against him. I want to tell him to leave, but when I find myself pressed against his chest and hear the steady beat of his heart, I finally fall apart. Grief, loneliness and the exhaustion of the day pull me under, and I let the waves crash over me until I am shaking in his arms. He doesn’t say anything, but his arms tighten around me, strong and grounding, and his hands rub my back in slow circles.

I sob into his solid chest, the words tumbling out between breathless gasps. “I never said goodbye…” I repeat again and again, until my voice is a hoarse whisper and exhaustion drags me under.

I don’t remember the moment I finally fell asleep. One moment I was shuddering in his arms, torn open by grief, and the next there was only the warmth of Lucas’ arms wrapped around me like a shield. He didn’t push for more, he just held me silently, preventing the splintered pieces of me from scattering in the night. And despite everything, I fell asleep.

When I wake, he is gone, leaving only the imprint of his body on the sheets and the faint scent of his cologne. I sit up groggily, wondering if maybe I dreamed it all. But no, he was here, I can tell from the hollow ache in my chest that he has been here, has held me.

Why is he gone?

The question curls around my heart, constricting it painfully. Maybe he doesn’t want people to know. I press my hand over my chest, willing the ache to stop. I can’t focus on him right now, I need to prepare for the visitors coming to present their condolences to the grieving daughter.

Chapter Thirty-One

Lucas

She looked too small and fragile in that bed, in that big house that felt more like a tomb than a home. I had told myself that I would just come to watch her breathe, to make sure she slept. But then she shattered in my arms, and there was no fucking way I was leaving. Even though she was drowning in grief, my tainted heart had faltered in my chest when she clung to me, like I was the savior she needed. I want to be her savior. I want her to need me. I need her to need me. And I’ll fucking do anything to twist her life so that I’m the only one she’ll turn to. I’m aware that my thoughts are fucked up, but I can’t help the blackness seeping into my soul and spreading like rot where she is concerned.

Last night, I wanted to burn the grief out of her, with my hands, my mouth, my body. Make her forget everything but me. I wanted to make it public that she is mine. But I didn’t, because even if my entire being craves to claim her for everyone to see, I also know how our world works. My name carries a certain…reputation. If anyone suspected I was in her bed on the first night of mourning, they’ll whisper behind her back, assuming she is another of my meaningless flings. And I refuse to be the reason she is diminished or pitied. When I claim her, it will be loudly, proudly and publicly, so there is not a shadow of a doubt that she is the queen meant to walk by my side.

Hence, I just held her in the dark, torn between needing to give her space and the brutal truth that staying away from her is the most excruciating agony I’ve ever known.

Leaving her this morning had felt like ripping my own skin off. I slipped out before dawn, before the staff woke, before she could open her eyes and see me. But tonight, I’ll be back, because I can’t stay away, because she is mine, whether the world is aware or not. Soon they’ll know, I tell myself.

By sunrise I am already neck-deep in calls and meetings, and the endless stream of problems that come with running a company and being the second in the famiglia. However, as busy as the day is, she is never far from my mind. I should be focused, but I can’t get her out of my head. That’s why I left men behind to be my eyes and my ears. They update me throughout the day, every time she has a visitor, every time she steps out to the garden to breathe, every tear she cries, I know. The day stretches on, interminable and uncompromising, and I go through the motions like an efficient robot, but in my thoughts, I am not really there. I am still in that bed, breathing her in, holding her…waiting for the night to fall, counting down the seconds until I can feel her against me again.

Chapter Thirty-Two

Chiara

The day goes by in a blur of visits and whispered conversations. My mind is numb as I go through it all, playing hostess, nodding when required, murmuring thank-yous and accepting condolences from people I barely know. I feel like a ghost, floating from room to room, unable to settle, unable to find peace.

The wake stretches into hours I barely register. Lily joins me at some point with Damiano who comes to pay his respects as the head of the famiglia. Flanking him are Matteo, Erin and Lucas who pull me into a hug, and it takes everything not to shatter into pieces in their warm embrace. Even in the whirl of people, I can still feel Lucas’ heavy gaze on me from where he is standing. His eyes never leave me for a second, even when I step out of the stifling room into the garden to breathe, I can feel him standing back but never out of sight.

By the time the last visitor leaves, I can barely breathe. My body aches with exhaustion, my heart is a hollow drum in my chest. I go upstairs into my room to shower and slip into bed, waiting for sleep to come.

And that’s when I sense him. The air shifts and becomes electric like before a storm. He moves to the bed, silent like a shadow in the darkness. He lies down and wraps his arms around me, silent and grounding. He doesn’t speak and doesn’t take, he just gives. He brushes his mouth over my skin with featherlight kisses, and I revel in the sensation of his hands drawing me back to life, piece by piece until my body is trembling, my grief dissolving under waves of heat and relief. He worships me with whispered endearments until I shatter in his arms. I fall asleep in his embrace, my body wrung out but my mind soothed for the first time since Father’s death.

In the morning, he is gone again.

I lie still for a moment, staring at the ceiling and bracing for the day to come. Today is the day Francesco Bianchi will be buried. Father… I think back to the last time I saw him. He was drunk and incoherent and I just wanted to disappear. Bile creeps up my throat.

I never said goodbye…

I get up and shower, then I put on the black dress that has been laid out for me. I pause when I look into the mirror. I look pale, my eyes are huge and vacant, rimmed by dark circles. After a second of hesitation, I pull myself together and put on some light makeup for composure and pull my hair into a tight bun. That will do. Tomorrow I will meet our family lawyer and tell him I want to sell the family house. It had never felt like a home anyway. Lily would approve, she is not attached to these walls either, and I will transfer the money of the sale to a trust fund for Dante. I will cut all the ties here and return to the quiet town I now call home. I pensively bite my lips. What if I started over again somewhere else? Somewhere farther, somewhere untouched by the shadows of my life. But my heart clenches painfully when I think about leaving Lily and Dante behind. Maybe I can’t outrun fate after all? Maybe I’m meant to remain here, chained by birth and bound by duty? I push the dilemma away for now, I’ll take it step by step from here.