Page 72 of The Beta Test

“You didn’t think I’d support you? You didn’t think I’d understand?” I ask.

Despite my determination to appear cool and detached, even I can hear the hurt and resentment in my voice. Because it does hurt! Before we were girlfriend and boyfriend, we were friends. Best friends. We told each other everything! How could he think I wouldn’t understand?!

He sighs and keeps stroking my hand like it’s something tender and special to him. “There were so many times I wanted to talk to you about this. Believe me. But then you’d do something like show me your vision board or talk about the schedule you’d planned for our future, and I just… couldn’t. I felt like I was going to disappoint you. Like how I was disappointing my parents.”

I pull my hand away. “So you decided to lie to them? To me?”

“No! I mean, yes. I guess it didn’t feel like it was lying at the time. I thought I needed some space to figure out the mess in my head.”

I scoff. “Space?! You went to another continent without even telling me!”

“Avery, I know. I know! It’s crazy. Please—” he reaches out to grab my hand again, but I whip it away and lean back from him. “Please, forgive me. I know I messed up. You mean everything to me, and I know what I did is unforgivable. But I hope you can forgive me anyway.” He raises his doe-like eyes to meet my gaze. “Please.”

I stare at him, examining his features. In the space of a moment, I can see all versions of him—the boy I met, my study buddy, the young man I fell in love with. At this moment he looks both achingly familiar and yet… not. He seems older. Different. I’m not sure if it’s because time has passed or because our lives branched off from one another months ago and have continuously grown in opposite directions.

One thing is for sure—I cannot possibly entertain any kind of reconciliation with Braden without clarity on one glaringly obvious point.

“Who is Tricia?”

His eyebrows crash together in what looks like genuine confusion. “Tricia?”

“Yeah,” I say, my tone flat. “Tricia.”

“I don’t⁠—”

“Nope,” I cut him off. “Don’t try to deny it. You talked to her when we were on the phone. She was with you. She’s all over your Instagram. Who. is. Tricia?”

“She’s nobody. Believe me, Avery. I have no interest in her. The thought is absurd, actually.”

“You’re going to have to explain this to me like I’m dumb, Braden. You go MIA to backpack in Europe to find yourself, all the while dodging my texts and calls, feeding me lies to cover your story. Then I see comments and pictures popping up with Tricia, then she’s conveniently with you when I do catch you on the phone? If you were backpacking and moving around, clearly she was with you. Did you—” I curse myself when my voice breaks, “cheat on me?”

Braden leans forward and gently grabs the sides of my face, looking intently into my eyes. “No, Avery, no! I would never. I love you, only you. Tricia is someone I met online. She knew hostels we could stay at and had a plan. I just went along with it because I didn’t know what to do, other than that I wanted to get away.”

His thumbs caress my cheeks, and I’m tempted to close my eyes and enjoy the sensation, but I remind myself to focus. “You met her online? How?”

He nods. “In a DnD group online. Some other people on there also went on the backpacking trip. It wasn’t just her. She’s, you know, social and kinda loud, so that’s probably why she stood out from the group.”

“I refuse to believe that she doesn’t want you. She never gave you any indication she’s interested? Because she definitely is.”

Braden’s face screws up like he’s disgusted and shakes his head. “Even if she’s interested, I’m not.”

“So you didn’t cheat?”

“No. Never.”

Our faces are inches apart, our gazes locked. Emotions swirl within me—sadness, grief, nostalgia. But one thing is definitely missing. There’s no spark. And there definitely aren't any butterflies.

Despite that, I don’t pull back or resist when he closes the gap between us and gently kisses me. I close my eyes and let myself feel what there is to feel. Maybe my heart will override my brain—I owe it to both of us to try. But despite the many years of loving him, there’s no doubting the truth: I feel nothing.

Braden pulls back and smiles softly. “I’ll do better, I promise. But still be mine, Avery. Tell me you’re still with me.”

I slowly grab his wrists and move his hands down from where they still cradled my face, releasing him and leaning back to put some space between us.

“I’m sorry, Braden.” I shake my head and wipe the lone tear that has fallen down my cheek. Even though I no longer love him, my heart mourns the love we used to have. “I can’t trust you anymore, and I don’t think there’s any coming back from that.”

Braden sits back and swipes his hand down his face in frustration. “So that’s it? Because I was having a hard time and struggling with my mental health, you’re done with me?”

“Of course not. It’s because you lied to me. Over and over again.”