Page 59 of The Beta Test

My fingers fly over the screen as the confessions keep pouring out of me. I think about Analiese’s twisted, angry face the day she called me a selfish coward.

80085 [Me]: I hurt someone else who shared their vulnerability with me and let them think I was ashamed to know them.

80085 [Me]: I set such high expectations for other people, setting them up for failure just by knowing me.

80085 [Me]: I present a picture-perfect facade when my entire life is crumbling. I smile and laugh when I’m dying inside.

80085 [Me]: I use people for my benefit when I need help, but I’m too busy trying to meet my goals to return the favor.

80085 [Me]: I distract people from the truth instead of freely giving it.

A harsh breath releases, my heart pounding hard. I stare at my confessions laid bare as the seconds tick by without a response. Maybe I scared him off too.

Finally, the bubbles start bouncing.

Then stop.

Then start.

Panic starts to seize me. I just emotionally vomited on this anonymous person I don’t want to lose. But maybe this is what I deserve, and what he deserves too. I’m a toxic person, and he’d be better off without me.

31415: I’m going to try to say this without sounding like a motivational poster. I apologize in advance if I do anyway.

31415: But hear me out. I see it differently. Let me show you my evidence:

31415: I see someone who is self-aware and knows her failings, but she’s struggling to overcome them. She cares about the people she’s hurting but feels lost. She doesn’t want to keep hurting them.

31415: She tries hard to keep up the facade because she cares about doing well, and she doesn’t want to burden others with her struggles. She wants to make other people’s lives easier, but she doesn’t realize her friends and family would love the chance to support her. I know I would.

I squint at the screen. A strange tickle of awareness niggles my brain, almost like a feeling of déjà vu. There’s just something about him.

80085 [Me]: I guess it’s easy to flip things around and spin them to sound better. It doesn’t make them true.

31415: Doesn’t make them untrue either. I have an idea, if you’re up for it.

What do I have to lose? My life is even more of a dumpster fire now than it was when I drew that horrific doodle.

80085 [Me]: Sure, though I reserve the right to change my mind depending on your suggestions.

31415: Think about which of these relationship issues bother you the most, then let’s come up with a plan to fix it. Right here, right now.

More honesty. More ripping open the wounds I’ve been carefully bandaging all semester. Every instinct screams to stop. To close the app. Enter the darkness. Accept what happened. But those instincts are the ones that got me here—alone, draped in failure, with the shadows mocking me. So maybe it's time to stop listening to them.

80085 [Me]: Ok.

80085 [Me]: The one with my life-long best friend, though that’s probably the one that’s hardest to fix.

31415: Why do you think that? If you’ve been friends for so long, shouldn’t the friendship be strong enough to hold you two together?

80085 [Me]: Because then I’ll have to tell her all the other things I’ve been hiding.

31415: And why is that bad? I’m sure she’d accept anything you feel the need to hide if you’ve been friends for that long.

80085 [Me]: Because then I have to admit I’m a failure.

31415: And why is that a problem?

My jaw drops. Why is being a failure a problem?! Who is this joker? Did Connection Services pair me with some delinquent dropout?