Page 399 of Power Play

“I am not dangerous to you.”

“You know exactly where to cut me.”

“You told me where!”

“Because I trusted you!”

“And you told me I was safe giving you every broken part of myself too!” she screamed. “You stood in your apartment and made me believe I could be imperfect with you. You told me I was trained, that being afraid didn’t make me weak, and that you would keep opening the cage until I could walk through it. Then I failed once, Ryan. Once. You became another person who decided I only deserved love while I behaved correctly.”

“Don’t you fucking compare me to them.”

“Why? Because your conditions are louder?”

“My condition was that you stopped hiding what I meant to you.”

“And I failed!”

“Then live with what it cost.”

“I am trying!”

“No, you’re trying to make me absorb the cost for you.”

“I am telling you that I need professional help finding my way out of this, and I want one goddamn reason to believe there might still be something waiting when I do.”

I laughed, and the sound was ugly enough to flush her face with fury.

“You want hope from me.”

“I want honesty.”

“I’ve given you nothing else.”

“You’ve given me anger, punishment, and every vicious thing you could find because cruelty is easier for you than admitting you’re grieving.”

“You don’t get to tell me how I grieve.”

“You don’t get to use grief as permission to destroy me.”

“You survived.”

“Barely.”

“So did I.”

“Then stop acting like you’re the only one who bled!”

“I know you bled!” My voice broke, and I shoved my hand against my chest again. “I had it delivered to me every fucking day. I knew what my silence did to you while you knew nothing about me because I refused to give you another piece. Do you understand that? You already had all of me once. You don’t get access to what happened after you broke it.”

“I didn’t know you were breaking.”

“You didn’t look.”

“I was looking at my father because I couldn’t breathe!”

“And I was looking at you because you were the only fucking person in that room who mattered!”

The study rose between us again, but I refused to walk back through every second of it. I was tired of living inside that room, tired of the floor beneath her eyes, Lance’s satisfaction, and the sound of my own voice asking for something love should’ve given before I begged.