Page 60 of Before We Burn

“So why am I here, Nadiya? Are we just going to roam around this—” the words burn in my throat, but my frustration needs to be taken out on something, “—shack and hope I remember something?”

Nadiya looks at me blankly, starfishing on the bed, her eyes closed, and a long sigh escapes her. “To remember, Marzana. I did my part by biting you. Now you need to let the magic work. You’re holding us back.”

“Why was that even necessary?” I’m fed up. My neck healed, but my ego is bruised. I couldn’t even try to stop her; she was really fast.

“We needed to be connected. ‘Your blood is now my blood’ type shit. Help you remember.” She shrugs, like it’s nothing, but it irritates me.

My fist slams on the desk, and I let loose a scream of frustration. I look at Nadiya with ferocity and say my final piece. “There's nothing here to remember, Nadiya! There is nothing for me to learn or know. This house belongs to ghosts—to people who were taken from this world or forgotten by it. Whether that was me or not isn’t important.”

My chest heaves with pain. My entire body is tense, and I feel the well of emotions as it fills up and threatens to spill over the edges. I hate allowing anyone to see me like this. It’s embarrassing and makes me feel weak.

Nadiya tilts her head to the side, studying me. I shift under her watchful eyes, feeling like she’s tearing me apart then building me up again. I want to fight her, to end this stupid idea we are family beyond some odd coincidence of my made up last name.

I decide none of this is worth it. I shake my head and turn toward the door.

“You feel it, can’t you? That’s why you’re so upset. The memories are whispers you keep pushing away. You feel odd moments of joy and laughter, but you can’t access them. It’s right there, at the tip of your tongue, but you can’t seem to feel it—live it. It’s like trying to catch a shadow.”

She wasn’t wrong. I hear the faint echoes of laughter of a child running down the halls. The family gatherings that used to happen in the dining room downstairs. I feel them like they are still here. Faint whispers.

I need them to stop—beg them to stop—my eyes closed in a silent plea to slow the voices. My breathing slows, and the scene begins to change. A place of love and warmth, where children ran wild and parents laughed and loved each other. I see that woman from the picture sitting in a chair, humming a song I can no longer name and reading a book. I see it all in my head as if it is truly happening. I take a deep breath before I open my eyes to find the entire room has changed.

The once-broken floors shine bright in a light oak stain, the dust has disappeared, and everything appears new. Sunlight shines through the window next to the bed where Nadiya still sits with a smile. I straighten my back, prepared for the worst, but Nadiya gently shakes her head and gestures for me to move closer to the window.

I walk over to the window that was broken, just outside of the reach of the sun, and look at the rays. A rainbow dances in between them, something so beautiful but deadly. I lift my hand, ready to feel the sting of the sun—I need to make sure this was real and not just a figment of my imagination. I take a deep breath and allow my hand into direct sunlight.

I hold in a breath, ready for pain, but none comes. Instead I’m met with warmth. A chill crawls up my arm and down my spine, and my cheeks heat as I nearly close my eyes again, but something tells me not to.

I look at Nadiya in shock, and she lets out a laugh as she nods, and I take this as my chance to step into the light. It’s warm and inviting. I don’t remember what the sun felt like on my human skin, but if it felt nearly as good as this, I hope I didn’t choose to be a vampire. It was like I had life again—I wasn’t just an entity trapped here with no purpose.

“I told you. The memories will trickle back. You just had to let go of doubt for a few moments for the magic to do its thing.”

I narrow my eyes at her. “If you would’ve told me that, I would’ve tried a long time ago. You didn’t need to bite me.”

Nadiya rolls her eyes as she pushes herself up to stand next to me. She closes her eyes briefly as the sun beams on her. I’m glad she is able to enjoy it the same way I can.

“That’s not how the spell works. We only have a limited amount of time, so we have to make this count. We have to get through three-hundred-and-something years of memories before we get to the day you were turned. We need to answer the question of who turned you. You were obviously young, but you have no soul tie, and if you did, they would’ve tried to find you by now. It makes no sense.”

A soul tie was the last thing I was worried about. I don’t want to sit through three-hundred years worth of memories. They were filled with nothing but hate and war. Some of the things I did had been out of survival instincts, and I wasn’t proud of them.

“Can we skip them? At least the vampiric ones? I don’t know if I can⁠—”

Nadiya raises a hand, stopping me mid-sentence. She watches me calmly before speaking, which irritates me.

“You still don’t understand the power your blood holds. If you don’t become a willing participant soon, you’re going to be in so much pain you won’t be able to push past any of them. We can fast forward some of them, but it really depends on you and your mental power.” She begins to circle me, her steps slow and careful, but her eyes never leave mine.

There’s an intensity in the air, and I can’t tell if it’s coming from her, me, or the memories.

“There are rules to this, Marz, and if we are going to do this, you must pay attention. One of the first and most important rules—we always have to touch. I prefer holding hands for mobility. The second rule—don’t talk to the memories. We are in your mind, and it can play tricks on us. If you fall for it, your memories can morph and become damaged. Then the last rule—don’t close your eyes for longer than five seconds. Your mind will instantly try to protect itself, so it forces you to start from the beginning. You’ll relive your entire life all over again in a sleeper state, only to wake up three-hundred years later and everything has gone to shit.”

Nadiya holds out her hand to me. I know that once I decide to take it, there’s no turning back. But she has me curious at the very least. There are a lot of memories I have run from, and viewing those with Nadiya will be one of the most humbling experiences in my life. She will see the dark side of me, the reason why my name still travels on the wind with whispers of fear. She will see how hate has twisted me into a person I’m not proud of.

My mind instantly goes to Everett and how similar we feel about our situations. Both of us had been forced—tricked—into being someone’s puppet. By doing this, I could cut the strings that control me and free myself from the guilt I have been living with this entire time.

I reached out to take Nadiya’s hand, my breath leaving me erratically. “I’m scared,” I say, hoping she has words of wisdom for me. Instead, she shrugs.

“Me too. But I’m here. We’re in this together. We can protect each other.” She offers me a small smile, and I hesitate for a moment. I’ve known Nadiya for three days and suddenly I’m ready to trust her? To take her hand and watch my most painful memories? I sigh heavily, shaking my head, because I know I’m going to do it.

I grab her hand, and the room around us begins to spin, my eyes widening as I watch myself enter a room I would remember anywhere. I walk into Everett’s attached bathroom, his eyes solely on me, and I see just how much adoration I missed the first time.