Page 43 of Before We Burn

I don’t want her to feel alone so I stand. I’m a bit off balance since the kick to my head jump-started my way into concussion protocol, but I ignore it.

I direct my attention to Constantine. Her fucking amusement is going to lead me to my death, but I won’t give her the satisfaction…yet.

“If you’re part of this unit, act like it,” I shout at her, my voice echoing around us.

Thankfully, there’s no one else in this car besides us—unless you count the corpses of the two vampires that shouldn’t have been here in the first place. Constantine doesn’t even bother to address me. Instead, Benny pulls me down as he groans in embarrassment.

“Sit down, bro. You’re embarrassing yourself.”

My face warms and my jaw clenches. I don’t know why I decided to say something, but the look on Marzana’s face told me I needed to. I wanted to do something. Since this trip started, I’ve watched her do the work, watched her mourn, and watched her get us out of each situation without complaint. She deserves to know someone has her back.

I sit down, my eyes tracking Marz as she drags the bodies to the end of the car and piles them near the door. She marches back to Constantine and sits down, both of them deep in conversation.

I sink into my seat, my embarrassment at an all time high.

“Get it together,” Benny mumbles, and I’m ready to lose my shit.

This is the second time I haven’t liked how he spoke to me. I like to think I am an easy-going person—a true boundary acceptor. I get he just went through hell and it was most likely because of me, but his constant bitching and moaning with his condescending side comments are going to cause him to fuck around and find out.

I turn in my seat to face him fully, noting his jaw flexing over and over again. Anytime there was about to be a confrontation, he would do that. I always thought it was something he did to cope with his anxiety, but now I realize it’s because he is pissed.

“Is there something you need to get off your chest, Benny? Because ever since you woke up, you’ve been a real fuckin’ bitch.”

That was wrong of me to say—I know it was—I just refuse to admit it. I need him to understand my patience has worn thin and there’s no time for his bullshit.

“You are impossible, you know that? I was beaten to the point I was going to die—they were going to make an example out of me. Expose me for the crimes of my family like some fucking villian in their story.” He shakes his head, turning to face me. I’ve never seen Benny so mad.

His features have contorted, his once-bright hazel eyes turned dark and sinister. His jaw is tense and his gaze cuts through me like a million pieces of glass flying through the air. Whatever he’s about to say is going to hurt.

“My family—my real family who I don’t have to force myself to remember—were witches. Powerful, beautiful, brilliant witches. I remember the day fucking Onyx came into my house and killed my father. Next was my cousin—he was eight. Then I watched them usher all the women out of the house. My aunts, my cousins, and finally my Abuela.” His voice cracks, and he takes a moment to compose himself. I breathe heavily, processing this new information.

“Her face was beaten, her legs dragged beneath her, but the last thing she gave me was a smile I can never, ever, unsee. So I’m mad, Everett. I’m mad I worked so hard to fit in, to prove myself as one of them, to get close to Onyx, and with one phone call you ruined it.” He punches the back of the seat then tangles his fingers in his hair which has grown out since I saw him last. A pit forms in my stomach, and I don’t know how to respond.

“It’s nice you’re changing, Ev. It’s nice you’re finally seeing the bigger picture. But I’ve seen some of the shit you’ve done; I know how you were conditioned to feel. So forgive me while I process that my plan for revenge has been fucked up and I will never have the answers I need.”

I sit silently for a moment. Everything I’ve known has slowly begun to crumble around me. First, Marz opened my eyes to the inconsistencies of what happened with my family, then I learned the vampires never wanted a war—they didn’t even know if they wanted to become vampires, since their human lives are stripped from them like my family was stripped from me. Now, Benny is telling me he was in fact born with witches blood.

“Why would you join the military? How did you pass the blood test?” I question, narrowing my eyes in accusation. “Why would you help find your people and bring them to the torture I know you’ve seen?” Benny’s scowl begins to fade, replaced by a void-like look in his eyes—very much like detachment.

“Being a witch has its benefits. I’ve always had a knack for projection,” he chuckles bitterly, looking at me as if I’m hopeless. “I’ve never captured a witch a day in my life, but you wouldn’t have noticed. You were too busy brown-nosing any ranked official who would speak to you in order to get to the top. Tell me how that worked for you?”

Rage surges through me, my heartbeat thundering in my ears. Benny and I fought all the time. It was nothing new. But this…is different. This crossed a line. I lunge, ready to swing, when Constantine's voice slices through the tension, stopping me cold.

“Listen, if you’re going to kill each other, pick up one of the knives and slice each other's throats. Beating the shit out of one another won't fix any of the problems you two sweethearts are facing. Either talk it out or separate, because if I have to come over there, I’m going to take one testicle from each of you. Understood?” The silence that follows is louder than the whirlwind of thoughts pounding through my mind.

I move into the next row away from Benny—away from everyone. I can still see Marz though, and she looks worried. Our eyes meet and something passes between us. It could be understanding or concern, but I don’t have enough energy to think about it right now. She’s probably searching my mind for the horrible things Benny said I had done. I can’t blame her; she has the right to know.

When she doesn’t look away, my mind wanders. My eyes are heavy, and before I know it I’m asleep. I’m not a stranger to nightmares, but they typically find me later on in the night when the moon is at its highest. Benny told me it was probably due to some type of trauma I went through as a kid, and I’m beginning to think he was right.

Images quickly flash by, the pictures forming a movie, showing it piece by piece. I see myself as a child, then a woman as she cries on the floor, then a small child—maybe three or four—then⁠—

I open my eyes to find Marz sitting next to me, her hand on mine as tears well in her eyes. She looks at me carefully, her head tilting to the side as a solemn look caresses her features.

“You don’t remember any of it, do you?” I shake my head, unable to speak. I still feel like I’m sleeping. I look around the train, noting it’s completely empty.

Marz gently takes my chin in her free hand and turns my face to hers. “You’re still asleep, but I stopped the dream. You don’t need to see that.”

I know what she is talking about. My dreams have always stopped before the slaughter started; I can only remember the before and after. There’s never anything in between, and just seeing the beginning is enough to make me not want to see it again.