Page 59 of The Headmaster’s Rule

“Dad…” She steps forward, putting her hand on my arm, gaze sincere as her voice softens. “I know you’ve felt the need to hold everything together since Mom died. You got used to managing everything yourself, and now you don’t know how to stop.”

I shake my head, glancing away. I know she means well, but it’s not that simple. She can’t understand, not really.

“It’s like you’re afraid to let go,” Juliana adds. “Like you’re so scared of what will happen if you don’t stay in control of everything, twenty-four-seven. But you can’t live your life like that.”

A lump forms in my throat at her words. Is she right? Am I so afraid of losing control that I’m slowly losing myself? The thought unsettles me more than I want to admit.

“I know you think you have to be perfect—for the school, for me, but you’re human, Dad. You’re allowed to want something just for yourself, even if it’s complicated. Even if it’s not what people expect.”

I swallow hard. Wanting things is dangerous. Especially things I’m not supposed to take.

“You’re allowed to be happy.”

Emotion coils tight in my chest. Her words echo Eleanor’s: Give yourself a break. Let yourself have a single moment to relax. To be happy.

Could I really do that? There’s the tiniest flicker of hope as I consider, for just a second, what that might be like. But as I study my daughter, I know there’s more to this than that.

“She’s so young, though, Bug. Not much older than you.” I shift uncomfortably, dropping my gaze. “How can you be fine with that?”

Juliana blows out a long breath. “Honestly? I was more worried you’d die alone, clutching your spreadsheets to your chest.”

I grunt a humorless laugh.

“Look.” Juliana touches my arm again, drawing my gaze back to hers. “I don’t care if she’s young. I care that you’re finally letting yourself feel something. Letting yourself care about something that’s not the school.”

“But what if it doesn’t work?” My voice cracks. “What if I ruin her position here?”

“Well…” Juliana lifts a shoulder. “She’s a big girl. Let her figure that out. Trust her to make her own decisions.”

I rub the back of my neck. I do trust Eleanor’s judgment, more than I thought possible, but I’d never forgive myself if I hurt her career.

“Don’t let her slip away, Dad. She’s awesome. You’re insufferable. You don’t realize how lucky you are.”

“Exactly. I’m insufferable.” I stare bitterly at the floor. “She deserves better.”

Juliana doesn’t argue. She just looks at me, patient and loving, and for a brief moment I forget which one of us is the parent.

After a long moment, she says quietly, “You don’t have to be perfect. For reasons I don’t quite grasp, she doesn’t seem bothered by your flaws. She seems to want you in spite of them. Or maybe because of them.”

I lift my gaze again. Despite myself, I can’t help but wonder if she’s right. Eleanor has seen me for who I am from the start, and still wants me. Only an idiot would throw that away.

“She makes you better,” Juliana says gently. “Less uptight. I haven’t seen you like that in a long time.”

“But—”

“Take something for yourself, for once,” my daughter pleads.

I stare at her for a long moment. Part of me still wants to argue, to list every reason this is a mistake, every way it could go wrong. That I’m too old. That I should know better. That people will talk.

But none of it holds the weight it used to. Not when I picture Eleanor’s face. Not when I remember the way she looked at me like I wasn’t a hardened shell of a man, but a man worth wanting.

And if I don’t do something, if I push her away for good, someone else will get what I was too afraid to take for myself. Someone else will make her laugh. Stay late to be near her. Walk her to her car for a few more minutes of her warmth. The thought lands sharp and hollow in my chest, and I press a hand to my sternum.

I’ve spent so long convincing myself that control is safety. That duty is paramount. But maybe Juliana’s right. Maybe I’ve been holding so tightly to life, I’ve forgotten how to live.

I exhale slowly, and this time, the fight leaves me.

Juliana looks at me firmly. “Go to her.”