Page 88 of She’s Worth the Risk

“What does that mean?”

“We need to keep our distance on campus. No more visits to my office.” He winces. “And you should probably stay away from my apartment for a while. It’s too close to campus, and someone could see.” His eyes lift to mine, swimming with remorse. “I know it’s not ideal, but it won’t be forever.”

He’s right, but his words don’t soothe me. If I can’t see him on campus, can’t see him at his apartment, what do we have left? I want to point this out to him, but I can tell he’s already struggling under the weight of this new burden. And as much as it pains me to keep my distance from him, losing him altogether would be worse.

Nick takes my hand, squeezing hard. “This doesn’t change my feelings for you,” he says hoarsely.

I open my mouth to say the same, to tell him that if anything, this only makes my feelings for him stronger, but there’s a sound at the door. People file in for class, and Nick rises from the sofa, putting distance between us. He doesn’t have to say it for me to know. We can’t be seen together here, either. Not when people know he’s a professor at NYU.

I try to smile and remain positive throughout the evening, but as class wears on, I feel more and more despondent. So much so that I’m not even comforted by the smell of Gran’s pot roast when I arrive home later. Not when all I can think about is Nick.

“Good news, darling,” Gran sing-songs as I enter the kitchen. She turns from where she’s stirring a pot on the stove, grinning. “I got you a job.”

I sink into a chair, rubbing my temple. “What?”

“Well, June got you a job,” Gran corrects. “She needs someone to oversee the evening classes while she’s unwell, and since you’re already doing such a fabulous job with life drawing, she’d like you to take over the other evenings, too.”

“Oh.” Under any other circumstances, I’d be pleased. I love June and the community arts center, and love supporting the work they do there, but my mind is elsewhere tonight.

“You’ll be paid, of course,” Gran assures me, misreading my silence. “There will be more responsibility than before.”

“Of course,” I respond absently.

Gran shuffles over to touch my shoulder, the lines in her face deepening. “Everything okay, Zin?”

Guilt bleeds through me. She’s gone to all this trouble to find me a job, and instead I’m moping about Nick. About a man I’m not even supposed to be seeing.

Shaking it off, I square my shoulders and look at her. “Thanks for organizing that, Gran.” I pin on a smile. “And yes, everything is fine.”

But I don’t mean it for a second.

I’ve never been more nervous than I am on Thursday morning as I take my seat in the front row of the lecture hall. Nick hasn’t arrived yet, and my chest aches as I think about how he must feel right now, heading to take this class. My class.

I should have quit. I know he was trying to do the right thing by telling me not to, but how on earth will this work?

And more importantly, is it worth it?

Cole flops into the seat beside me with an easy grin, and I grind my molars in irritation. I’ve got enough on my plate today without dealing with him. It’s a relief when he silently pulls out his laptop, saying nothing. Maybe he can tell I’m not in the mood.

Finally, Nick enters the lecture hall, looking as handsome as always, a slim tie under his tweed jacket. The same jacket I cried into two days ago. It might have only been two days ago, but he feels further away than ever.

Especially when he glances around the room, casting his gaze across the students as they settle, not once pausing on me. As if I could be any old student he’s never met, a nameless face in the crowd. I tell myself not to take it personally as he addresses the class, explaining about Professor Webber and the change going forward.

“Not this guy again,” Cole mutters beside me, and I shoot him a look that could reduce him to ash.

“Don’t,” I hiss fiercely. His head jerks a little in surprise, and he lifts his hands, returning to his laptop.

Nick begins the lecture by handing out a revised course outline. I watch him approach the seating, looking at each student in turn as he does. Only when he gets to my chair, he doesn’t even glance up. He gives Cole more attention than me, pausing briefly as he hands him the new outline, before moving along the row of people. Then he dims the lights and brings up the first slide, and I open my laptop, trying to listen.

Trying desperately not to feel like I’m dying inside.

But the longer Nick talks, looking anywhere but in my direction, the more the doubts creep in. I thought losing Nick would be awful, but this feels worse. Having him turn away from me, pretend I’m not here. Having him so close, and not being able to touch him.

I know he doesn’t want to end this, but how will it even work? What do we have left if we can’t actually see each other?

Was staying in New York a mistake?

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