Page 52 of This Changes Everything

“No, you don’t. You don’t choose this, and you don’t choose me. That’s what you said. You also said you loved me, but then you took it back.” Fire rose up my belly and barreled through my throat to the top of my head. “So how am I supposed to believe you when you say you care now?”

Rory contorted his mouth. I could tell he was trying to control his emotions. He unexpectedly moved toward me, surprising me, and his hand raced down my arm. He quickly thumbed my bracelet, then grabbed my hand, threading our fingers together. He was sweaty, and his pulse pumped rapidly against my wrist. He took my hand as if it were his.

“That night was the best night and the worst night of my life. What I did . . . the things I said . . .” He shook his head with his eyes closed. “Ellie, I can’t believe the things I said.”

I couldn’t believe the things he said, either.

“I don’t want to do this.” I strained for breath, and my stomach dropped. I let go of his hand.

His eyes fell to my hand pulling away from his. His jaw clenched. “I was devastated that you were leaving. Everything was just . . .” He brought his hand up to cover his eyes and pinched his face like he wanted to crush his skull. “To finally have you while knowing that I was also losing you was an absolute mind fuck.” He looked at me. “You are and have always been everything to me.”

“Please stop. You said it was a mistake, and clearly you were right.” I couldn’t breathe.

He squeezed his eyes shut, pained by the memory of the last time we saw each other. He put his hands on his hips and hung his head. “Ellie . . .” He looked back at me and pressed his fingers into his forehead. “Please hear me out before you break up with me—”

“We were never together,” I said firmly.

“Yes, we were.” Though he matched my obstinate tone, his eyes started watering. “We’ve been together the whole time. We’ve just never said it out loud.”

Tears finally fell to my cheeks. “Whatever you’re doing right now, please don’t,” I pleaded.

“But if I don’t—”

I cut him off. “Rory.”

“Don’t do this.” Tears escaped him, and he quickly wiped them away. “Ellie, please. You know I didn’t mean it.” He sucked in an unexpected gasp. I couldn’t look, so I closed my eyes. “Please don’t do this. You know, Ellie. You know I didn’t mean it. It’s me.” I shook my head. “Ellie, look at me.” I shook my head again. “Please. Look at me.” The desperation in his tone opened my eyes. His face was now streaked with tears, and every muscle in his body was tense. “It’s me.”

“Rory, you are the only person in the world who has the ability to destroy me. I would put my life in ruins for you. I would throw it all away. Please don’t ask me to. I don’t want to. I’m happy. I’m right about myself here, and I need to be right about myself. I need this.” I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around Rory, hugging him, not realizing what I was doing until I had already done it. His forehead fell onto my shoulder, and his face buried into my neck. He folded his arms around my waist.

“I don’t want to lose you.” I felt his wet face against the skin of my neck.

“It shouldn’t have happened. You were right.” I wondered if he knew how difficult that was for me to say, or if he knew I didn’t believe it myself. My falling tears betrayed my words. I pushed them away, just like the rest of my feelings.

“I’m so sorry.” He struggled to catch his breath. “Please don’t go.”

I gently ran my fingers along the nape of Rory’s neck as we held each other. I dipped my fingertips into his hair. I was totally present and fully aware that I’d likely never touch him like this again. My heartbeat battered against my chest until it slowly transformed into a gentle knocking. “I’m already gone.”

Rory finally let out a quiet, shuddering sob into my shoulder.

“I think it’s good that you came. It helps us move past it.” I moved out of his hold. He looked out into the distance, his gaze unfocused and vacant. “I feel different here. I feel like a different person, and I think I like this me. Actually, I know I do.” I wiped away the last of my tears. Rory exhaled deeply, trying to compose himself. “Before anything else, we were friends,” I said quietly. It was the same thing I had said to him on the night of his prom.

It took Rory some time to collect himself before he was finally able to choke out, “I miss you.” He blew out his breath, then brought his eyes back to mine and whispered, “Your turn.”

I bit my lip when I realized it was quivering, then forced myself to smile. “I’ll see you in there, okay?” I turned around and grabbed the railing to help steady me as I walked back up the stairs and into Key One Lounge.

Chapter 18

NEW YORK 21 years old

I WAS SITTING WITH THE GIRLS AT OUR TABLE NEXT TO THE BAR. Zoë won Hannah and Kara over within minutes. She had them bewildered when she told them about how her grandparents switched spouses when she was ten. She had them crying, talking about her brother and how he died in a plane crash. And she had them in hysterics when she told them she was in a handstand position the last time she had sex. Every time Hannah or Kara shared one of their stories, Zoë’s emerald eyes were locked on them, listening intently and asking a thousand questions. They all exchanged phone numbers, and I knew that our foursome was locked in.

Ben had gone for a walk around the block with Lucas. Blair, Cameron, and Jacob were huddled together at the bar, having shots. When Rory stepped through the front door, twenty minutes after me, he made his way to the guys, then leaned forward to get into the bartender’s line of sight.

Cameron whistled for Kara’s attention. He signaled to her quickly, asking if she wanted another drink. She nodded, then rose from our table to join the guys at the bar.

I overheard Blair ask, “How’d it go?” He passed Rory a beer that had already been ordered on his behalf.

Rory took a sip and turned his body, not answering the question. He leaned on his elbows, with his back to the bar.