Page 38 of This Changes Everything

“I was . . .” I was currently blacking out, that’s what I was doing. “I was embarrassed, and then I felt a lot of shame.” I shook my head and bit the inside of my cheek. “Besides, you wouldn’t have done anything. Nobody did. There was nothing to do. Nobody cared.” It was hard for me to admit, but it was also the truth. I blinked back tears. “I thought I was special, which is stupid because I ended up being just like every other random junior that shows up there for a stint and then disappears. I was a blip. I was just another girl at the golf club, and then I wasn’t, you know?”

Rory closed his eyes and released a wobbly breath. “You weren’t a blip.”

“I think a lot about where I would be if that all didn’t happen. Would I still be at Juniper every weekend, waiting to see your Jeep pull up the driveway? I think I probably would be. When I really think about it, I wasn’t up there golfing. That’s not what I was doing. I was just up there . . . waiting for you.”

His face pinched with sadness and then transformed with realization. “So that’s why you all stopping going?”

I didn’t answer. I didn’t have to.

“I thought you changed your mind about me. Or you were bored with me. I thought you didn’t like me.”

I went numb.

“I loved you, Rory.” My words fell out of my mouth, natural and necessary.

“Please don’t say that.” He kept his eyes closed, avoiding me.

“I’m sorry . . .”

What are you doing, Ellie? Stop it. He doesn’t want to hear it, and you shouldn’t be saying it. Calm down, Ellie. He doesn’t want you. He doesn’t love you. You have a boyfriend. What the fuck are you doing? Don’t love him anymore, Ellie. Just stop. Stop.

After a hard swallow and a throat clear, I sat up. Rory opened his eyes to see what I was doing. I held out my hand, and he braced himself for a moment before taking it. I pulled him up so we were sitting face-to-face.

“Before anything else, we were friends. I miss you.”

He didn’t say anything. He just looked at me. I could have sworn his eyes looked a little glassy, a little watery.

“Your turn,” I whispered.

His breath caught in his throat. “I miss you, too.”

I pulled out my phone from my small purse and pressed one earbud into his ear, then one into mine. I flipped through some tracks, landed on Guns N’ Roses’ “November Rain,” pressed play, then turned to him. “Want to start over?”

His eyebrows crinkled, as if he were in pain, and he pressed his lips together tightly. His dimple dug deep into his cheek. When he opened his eyes again, it felt like a shooting star had exploded overhead and pierced every inch of me.

“Let’s start over,” he answered, capturing my heart once more.

Chapter 13

NEW YORK 20 years old

IT WAS THE DAY BEFORE MY TWENTY-FIRST BIRTHDAY. HANNAH and Kara had arrived the night before. I was thrilled to show off New York to them, and everything that came along with my new life, especially Zoë, Lucas, and Ben.

It was March, yet we were visiting classic tourist destinations while battling a freak snowstorm. We trudged through ankle-deep, mucky, dirty sidewalk snow, bundled up so only our eyes were exposed.

Ben and Lucas had been in Boston for five days to catch two Celtics games and were caught in the storm overnight.

BEN: Train comes into Penn Station @ 7:30, so maybe I can meet you all once you’re already out?

ELLIE: Let’s go to Lifers and keep it local. Plus, you can hook us up with freebies. I have a feeling tomorrow will get expensive.

BEN: Sounds good. I’m looking forward to meeting them!

ELLIE: Okay, calm down over there.

BEN: I’m calm. You calm down.

ELLIE: I’m calm. YOU CALM DOWN!