Page 14 of I Still Love You (Citation Needed)

“Is that why you asked me for my feedback on the job posting a few weeks ago?” I asked, chuckling.

Cooper smirked. “What better way to entice you to be on the search committee? We have a few people we’re going to invite to apply. Mason was high on the list, but I don’t have to invite him now.”

My smile fell, afraid something bad had happened. “Why don’t you have to invite him now?”

A smile spread across my friend’s face. “Because he sent his resume to me about an hour after his session.”

My breath caught and my faith in Mason was restored a little. He had seen the writing on the wall when it came to tenure. He was looking for something new. My heart raced as I thought about what it could mean for him. A small voice in the back of my head wondered what it could do for us, but I shut that voice up quickly. There was no ‘us’ anymore. I might be happy Mason had a chance to get out of a bad situation, but our relationship was dead.

The voice didn’t listen to me as it spun quick fantasies of what this might mean. The WikiAcademia job was remote, like mine was. I thought of the life we had planned when things were still good. The cottage we would build on Cape Cod that was cozy and accessible for all my needs. He had proposed on our annual winter trip to Cape Cod because it had been our favorite place. I had moved there after graduation, as if to prove a point that he never knew I made. I couldn’t even recall that point anymore, but I was happy in my little apartment behind an ice cream shop and a wooden walkway down to the beach from the parking lot.

“What happened?” I asked, forcing myself to avoid the fantasy of what life could have been with him.

“He was vague but suggested this was the type of work he’s always wanted to do,” Cooper said in a low voice. “Did you once have a plan to build WikiAcademia together?”

I nodded with a half-smile. I never talked about my relationship with Mason, even with those who had known me at that time. Mason must have mentioned something to Cooper. “This was the work he always wanted to do, and I knew how to get the ball rolling.”

“Why didn’t it happen?” Cooper said, tilting his head to the side.

I took a deep breath and bit back the snarky responses I wanted to give. I was going to have to say no to being on the search committee. “Because he was promised the job security of academia. Building something new could have failed.”

“You’re going to refuse to be on the committee, aren’t you? Please don’t say no yet,” Cooper said, sensing what I was thinking.

I winced and felt tears fill my eyes. “It’s more complicated than I can share, but I don’t know if I can be fair to him.”

Cooper’s eyes got wide, and I turned to see Mason enter the bar with Lois and Heather behind him. Mason and I locked eyes before he quickly turned away. I wiped my eyes before tears could fall. Lois glared at me as she walked by. It was surprisingly refreshing to know that, no matter how she performed in public, her opinion of me hadn’t changed. Heather waved, clearly recovered from whatever personal emergency made her miss her session. I couldn’t help but wonder if Lois had told her to find an excuse to skip out on Mason. It would look a bit better for him.

Cooper pasted a smile on his face, and I could tell it was fake. I may have never told Cooper about the greatest heartbreak of my life, but he was good at intuiting relationships. Now that he saw Mason and me together, he clearly got a sense of what it had been.

The trio sat well out of earshot.

“What else did Mason say in his email?” I asked after our food arrived.

“Do you want to read it?” Cooper asked before putting his full fork in his mouth.

I shook my head. “I really have to say no. Even if nobody else will know that he and I have a past relationship, I will know. He will know.”

Cooper gave one firm nod. He knew it as well as I did. “Not only did he mention that the two of you were going to create the organization when you were students here, but he mentioned that you stopped speaking to him after graduation.”

I nodded. “That is pretty true, but there was more to it.”

Cooper leaned into the table, placing his elbow on it. “I’m reading between the lines here, but he’s the reason you don’t do committed relationships, isn’t he? I’ve never known you to talk about a romantic partner.”

I was impressed by how much he had figured out without me explaining it to him. I opened my mouth to respond, but Cooper put up his hand. “You don’t have to confirm it. I’ve been watching you for the past two days. You told me, when they first picked Lacock for the conference, that you weren’t going to come. I know you’re only here because this is your job. There was too much anger and irritation from you to it only be about the historical inaccessibility. You seemed pleased that has changed, but you don’t stop speaking to someone because they made a different career choice than you wanted. You stop speaking to someone because they ripped your heart out and stomped on it.”

I sat back in my chair and shut my eyes. I fought my urge to look at Mason because I was sure he was already watching me. Cooper and I worked so well together because he was like Mason. They looked nothing alike. Cooper was baby-faced with light brown curls and chubby cheeks. It was how they both noticed things that many others ignored or avoided. I was sure I had become friends with him because he filled a hole that had been empty after Mason and I broke up.

“If he’s finally ready to take a chance to make his dream a reality now that the most insecure phase of the organization has ended, then I don’t want him to think I’m standing in his way,” I said without opening my eyes.

Cooper was watching me when I finally opened my eyes and sat up again. “I get it, but it doesn’t mean I might not come back and ask for your help later.”

I smirked. “He won’t list me as a reference.”

Cooper shook his head. “That’s too bad because whether you intend to or not, you make a great one for him. Your integrity about this speaks more than anything else.”

Chapter Eleven

Are you coming to my session after lunch?” I asked Lizbeth when I saw her the next morning.