Page 38 of Modern Persuasion

The party wasn't what my father had hoped but, as Karen reminded him, many people already had plans for the evening. Mary and Tommy went for their romantic boat ride, but Louisa and Seth brought Fredrick. Seth was a very good sport and spent the evening talking with me to help keep Dave away. Fredrick seemed to hover nearby off and on. He was glued to his cellphone, texting away like crazy. I must have been wrong about having a chance with him. If he had wanted another chance, I had made sure the door was firmly open. I wanted to hurt whoever was on the other side of those text messages.

"Your parents look very much in love," Seth said, looking at some of the family photos my father kept on display. "What was her name?"

The two of us were sitting in the den with tea and dessert. I looked at the picture of my parents placed between our chairs. "Her name was Violet, and they were," I said and remembered once dreaming of having that partner in my life.

Seth lowered his voice as he leaned on the arm of his chair. "The Musgroves think he'll never get over her death."

I could feel the tears start to fill my eyes, and I wiped them away. "I think he could if he wanted to. Had it been reversed and he had died, my mother would have fallen apart, too."

"Was she that dependent on him?"

I nodded. "Financially, he was the breadwinner. She put her career on hold to raise the three of us. She was just trying to get back to editing when she got sick. It had not been going well for her, from what I remember. I think it would have been worse for her to be both emotionally and financially destroyed. In my experience, women suffer more when a relationship ends. Men just seem to move on."

Seth raised an eyebrow. "I think you're wrong. Obviously, your father hasn't just moved on."

"I think he's the exception, not the rule."

Seth shook his head. "I know popular culture likes to think that only a woman grieves the end of a relationship, but men have been taught to not let others see them grieve. Women have the freedom to mourn and move on to the next relationship. Men never get that chance to learn how to grieve. Instead, we keep it inside and are taught emotions are bad."

I turned in my seat to give Seth my full attention. My sadness about my mother dissipated as I thought about how my relationship with Fredrick ended and was mourned. "That's not fair. Women may know how to emote better, but we hold on to each broken heart. When we have loved someone, we compare every person to them. How many women stay in bad relationships because they're in love? Even if there is no chance in the world for a reunion with the one she loves, a woman will always live in a state of hope that it could happen and agony that it hasn't. Maybe we can pretend we are ok, but deep down, we really aren't. Sometimes, we think we've moved on, but we really regret our decision. We have to live with that regret."

"Men don't really move on either, Emma. They pretend they're fine and try to forget, too. That may be why it seems men move on quickly. It's a way for them to avoid their emotions. For example, some men find women completely different from the one they loved. I imagine some women do the same. An example, in that case, is a woman who takes the reasons she left a relationship and overachieves at making sure they are accurate."

Before I could respond, there was the clatter of a cell phone falling on the floor. I looked over to see Fredrick sitting close by and realized he had heard the entire conversation. Seth didn't even glance over at Fredrick. Clearly, Seth had known Fredrick had been sitting right there.

"So, what about you, Emma? Did you embrace your emotions so you could move on, or did you avoid them?" Seth asked, tilting his head to the side.

"I think I did a little bit of both. Now I live in a state of hope and agony - constantly," I said with a smile and got up.

I left the house and hid outside until I heard cars leaving. I spent the time thinking about what Seth had said. No, I hadn't embraced my emotions at all. I had put them in a box so I could move on. On the other hand, Fredrick had aired his grief for the world to see. I wasn't allowing the world to happen to me because I hadn't embraced my feelings. Even now, avoiding a decision about my career was another way of avoiding my feelings for Fredrick. I wanted the job Ted was offering me. Even if it meant I had to see Fredrick every day, I wanted to be in control of my life again.

Before I went to bed that night, I sent an email to Ted and told him I would take the job and suggested some times to talk about the details.

Chapter Twenty-Four

I woke up the next morning to the tweeting of my cell phone.

Fred: Did you get my email?

Emma: Email? Hold on- let me check

I checked my personal email, and there was nothing there from Fredrick.

Emma: Nope. Nothing. When did you send it?

Fred: Two days ago. Think it got lost?

Emma: What email address do you have for me?

It was my work email. There was nothing in my inbox, but then I remembered what Karen had done with his past email. I checked the spam server. This was a system each of us could set up to make sure the spam never got to us. Each of us could set rules to direct the server. I wasn't surprised when I found a folder with a bunch of emails from Fredrick and his agent. I looked at the details and saw Karen had set it up, and notifications were sent to her. I quickly found an email from two days ago with the subject: Give it a quick edit? I didn't waste time and released all the emails to my account but not before taking a screenshot of the page just in case.

The email was a link to a Google Doc named: Emma.

I set my phone to not disturb me and pulled out my iPad so I could easily make the edits or, at the very least, read it better. I sat down in the chair in my bedroom and read Fredrick Wentworth's new novel.

Emma

I knew I would see her in New York. I had been told she would be there. Everyone working on my book talked about her like a publishing goddess. She knew how to organize amazing book tours. She was the Queen of Book Tours. She could pick award winners and best sellers after reading a few pages. If she had edited Twilight, it would have been a good book or not been published. She hadn't even bothered to respond when my agent sent her this book, but she had to know I would be there too.