Page 33 of An Espresso Machine’s Guide to Love & Mischief

I need to help my soulmate espresso machine, so I grab the driver’s side door and pull.

It opens several inches before the clown yanks it shut and the lock clicks. So much for that.

Then, my skunk instincts kick in, and I stomp my feet at the van and the kidnappers inside it. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. I feel like a motherfucking godzilla—if he was a skunk.

The clown behind the wheel stares at me for a second and then shouts at the traffic to move. Who tries to make a getaway on King Street anyway?

I finally realize the stomping isn’t working—or it’s working too well, and the kidnappers are too scared to come out. My skunk side sure seems to think so.

Escalation time!

I drop to a crouch, place my hands on the pavement, and flip into a handstand. In skunk form, it makes me look bigger and scarier to scare off predators—and warns them that stink is coming. In human form, my feet don’t quite make it, and I drop them back to the ground.

My skunk wants me to shift—since the move is much easier that way—but then I’d be too short to reach the van’s windows.

Handstand! My skunk side shouts.

“Neigh!” Neph shouts as she continues to buck against the bumper.

“Open up!” Fletcher shouts.

He bangs on the van door while I throw my weight forward again. I almost get my legs up to a hundred and eighty degrees before they drop back to the pavement. Fuck!

The streetcar blocking the van in starts to move. The kidnappers hit the gas and pull away down the street. Nephrite races after them, darting between two lines of traffic so she can follow alongside it.

“Nooo!” Fletcher screams, but instead of giving chase, his whole body goes stiff. Fuck!

“Not on the road!” I yank him onto the sidewalk so he doesn’t get hit by a car while he’s playing dead.

Then, I race after the van. “Get back here with my soulmate! I think! Maybe!”

I stop yelling because I need to save my breath. I dart between the two lanes of traffic. Horns blare and people shout at me out their windows, but I don’t stop because I have an espresso machine to save!

I manage to catch up to the van in no time. Partly because traffic is always slow downtown and partly because I can run really fast. I can’t wait to tell my boss! And to think he was ‘concerned’ I was spending too much time at the gym. Take that, Billy!

When I reach the driver’s side door, my skunk urges me to get into another handstand. But that didn’t work last time—and I’m worried traffic will start moving again and I’ll get hit by a car.

Which gives me an idea.

I race in front of the van and block its path. “Stop!”

The clown narrows his eyes at me, but I can’t help but chuckle at his bright red nose and painted-on smile. I always wanted a birthday clown.

The van shoots toward me, and my heart leaps into my throat. The clown is going to run me over! I’m a goner, just like poor Mrs. Ellis.

Then my shifter instincts kick in again.

Skunk shifters are good jumpers. We have powerful back legs, and the leg press at the gym is an added bonus. I leap and land on the hood of the van.

Momentum slams my body onto the windshield, and my face hits the roof, right next to the open sunroof. “Take that!” I scream.

I grab onto it and hold on for dear life as the van swerves through traffic.

From here, I get the perfect top view of my espresso machine soulmate, and I gaze down at her and take in all her glory. She’s got nozzles and dials that I wouldn’t even know what to do with—and she twists and turns them in a way that makes me dizzy.

“I swear if you don’t let me go I’m going to sue!” she screams at the kidnappers.

I guess the clown and bodybuilder have lawyers on retainer just like my boss, because they don’t seem the least bit spooked.