Page 25 of Protected from Torment

Ever since I got off the phone with Tyler this morning, I’ve been trying to remind myself of it.

Just because he said he’d help doesn’t mean he actually will.

He could change his mind. Decide I’m too much trouble. That I’m not worth the effort.

I’m a criminal, after all. No, I was never actually brought up on charges. But that doesn’t change what I did. I hurt Gage. Tried to hurt Rory. I’m the villain of the story, instead of one of the innocent victims Tyler and his team at Blade and Arrow dedicate their lives to protecting. Why would Tyler spend his time helping me when there are so many more deserving people out there?

But he said he understood, a little voice in my head stubbornly insists. You told him who you were, and he stayed. He acted like he liked you. He even held your hand.

Yes. All those things are true. But sitting across from me for a couple hours in the Lakeside Inn pub isn’t remotely the same as flying across the country to help with this mess I’ve found myself in.

It’s better to assume the worst, I keep telling myself. Less disappointment that way.

Whenever my hopes start to rise—thinking of how quickly Tyler took control, how he didn’t hesitate to offer to come out to New York—I quickly try to tamp them back down. Then I try to work through how I can fix things on my own, just in case Tyler changes his mind about helping me.

But, oh, I so hope he doesn’t.

Not just because Tyler is smart—he’s the computer expert for his team, he explained, and he heads up the online investigations for all their cases—and brave and kind. Not just because I’m certain he could handle this mess so much better than me.

But because…

I don’t want to admit it, even to myself.

It seems crazy to feel this way. Like it’s far, far too soon.

After Vince died, I couldn’t imagine ever being with another man. The very idea seemed incomprehensible. I loved Vince with all my heart. And when he left me, it was like he took my heart along with him.

But there’s just this feeling I get whenever I think about Tyler.

And I desperately want him here.

I want him to hold my hand again.

I want to hear him tell me in his low, rumbly voice that everything’s going to be okay.

Maybe it’s crazy feeling this way about him. But I can’t change it. It just is.

For probably the hundredth time today, I glance at the clock on the wall to check the time. It’s five-fifty-six, which is two minutes later than the last time I looked.

Almost six, I note. The time Tyler said he’d try to be here. But will he? Really? Or is he hightailing it back to Portland at this very moment, wishing he’d never made his spontaneous offer to begin with?

On the heels of that thought, shame washes over me. Tyler’s never given me reason to doubt him. Even though we’ve only known each other for about three hours, total, he’s done nothing to indicate he’s a man who’d go back on his word. All this doubt and skepticism isn’t because of his actions, but my insecurity.

It sucks, because I didn’t used to be this way. Before Vince died, I was a natural optimist, and I always saw the best in people. If someone told me they’d do something, I believed them. If I came upon a hurdle in life, I just assumed I would leap right over it.

I don’t like this new person I’ve become. It’s not who I want to be. I want to be old Melissa, who smiled all the time and thought life was all sunshine and rainbows. Who saw her future as this wide-open road leading to everything she’d dreamed of.

Even as I’m thinking about it, something Rory said comes back to me. We’ve stayed in touch ever since she hooked me up with Oscar, and I drive out to Vermont to help with her dog shelter every month or so—partly to make amends, and partly because I just like being around Rory.

“After I lost my parents,” Rory told me, “I felt like a different person. I spent a long time wishing I could get the old Rory back. But eventually, I began to accept the person I’d become. Yes, I was different. But different doesn’t have to be bad. Sometimes it can open up new opportunities. Introduce you to people you wouldn’t have otherwise met.”

I knew she was thinking about meeting Gage. And how everything in her life led her to that moment. How, despite the tragedy and struggles she’d been through, she ended up happier than she ever imagined.

Could the same thing happen with me and Tyler?

Could the path I’m on possibly bring me the same happiness Rory found?

But Rory didn’t lose her shit and hold a gun on two innocent people, I remind myself. It’s not the same thing. She deserved to find happiness. And I⁠—