Page 109 of Three Hockey Hotties

Suddenly, I can’t breathe. I can’t talk to these two about this.

I hear a whoop behind me from the ice, and I glance over. The little kids all have their arms thrown up into the air as the puck just slid past Dash again to score.

Dash is trying to pretend that he’s disappointed, but he’s not pulling it off.

I look around. Everyone is having a great time.

That’s exactly how it should be.

Everyone here should be having a great time. Celebrating. Enjoying life.

But Eli should be here.

And I can’t keep going right now, thinking about him and how unfair this is and how fucking scared I suddenly am.

“I need to go,” I say quickly, folding the card and tucking it into the pocket of my sweater. “Will you tell Benjamin I needed to leave? I’ll talk to them all later.”

I can’t tell Benjamin myself. He won’t let me leave. He’ll try to make me feel better and I don’t want to hear platitudes or how sorry anyone is or how everything is going to be fine.

It’s not fine for Eli’s family.

I don’t pause to listen to any questions or tell Thomas and Rosie anything further.

I have to get out of this building. I have to get away from all of this happiness and celebration.

Which is a terrible negative reaction, and a horrible thing to think, and definitely means I need to be the one who leaves. I can’t bring all of this down.

Some of the parents might understand what I’m feeling. They certainly have experienced this dread and fear, but I absolutely will not talk to any of them about it. They need to focus on their child and the fact that that child is healthy and able to ice skate and play hockey. I will not be responsible for anyone else feeling pain or fear right now.

I don’t hear anything Rosie or Thomas say. I am fully focused on getting to the nearest door.

Ironically, it is the same door I where I met Kane on my first day at the arena.

I burst through it, tripping over a crack in the parking lot and stumbling slightly before stopping, straightening, and pulling in a deep breath. I look around. The bus stop. That’s where I need to get to. And then I need to get to my apartment, shut the door, and be alone.

But by the time the bus drops me off a block from my new apartment, and I get inside, I realize there is only one person that I can talk to. One person who will not tell me that I’m overreacting or that things will be brighter tomorrow or that I need to focus on all of the positives.

“Abby?” My mother answers the phone after only two rings.

“Hi Mom,” I say.

“This is a nice surprise. How are you?”

I burst into tears.

“My goodness, what happened?” my mom asks.

I take a deep, shaky breath, and then blurt, “A little boy I know died from ALL. I just found out. I’ve known him for two years. He was in remission. It came back and he died.”

My mother is quiet for a long moment, then she says, "his poor mother.”

That makes a new batch of tears start.

“I cannot imagine the pain she is going through,” my mom says, not disturbed by my tears.

We all cried a lot in the past and I like that I can do that now and not worry about freaking her out.

My tears would definitely bother Dash, Kane, and Benjamin. I need to fall apart with my mom.