Page 25 of Playing the Player

This Sasha is different. She’s quiet, shy, and nervous. I’m not sure which one is the real her. Maybe they both are. Maybe she’s only letting me see the softer side of her that she keeps hidden from the rest of the world.

“Can we go,” she asks with a teasing smile, “or do you want to keep staring at me for a while longer?”

A laugh escapes me. “Let’s go.”

After she locks her door, I reach for her hand without thinking. It disappears inside mine. She glances down at our joined hands and for a second, I think she might pull away. Instead, her fingers curl around mine and I feel something warm flow through my chest.

We barely speak as we walk to the restaurant, which isn’t like me at all. Normally I’d be filling every silence with whatever ridiculous thought wandered into my brain. It’s one of my many flaws. If there’s empty space, I have to fill it.

But with Sasha… the silence doesn't feel empty. It feels comfortable. Peaceful. It’s weird spending your whole life unable to switch your brain off, only to discover one person who somehow quietens all the noise without even trying.

People stare as we walk through the restaurant doors, just like they did when we were shopping a few weeks ago. I’m used to the feeling of being watched. I’m used to cameras clicking in my direction or hearing my name being whispered around me.

But Sasha is uncomfortable with it all. This is all new to her. Her whole body is tense and rigid and if I didn’t have a strong hold on her hand, I’m sure she would have bolted by now.

I was only nineteen when I started getting recognized, but I loved it. Having everyone’s attention on me was something I craved. It filled a hole I’d been carrying around since I was a kid. My old therapist said I spent years chasing the validation that others never gave me. He was probably right.

“Is this officially our spot now?” I ask Sasha as she studies the menu.

She beams up at me, her eyes twinkling in the golden lights of the restaurant. “Yeah, I think it is.”

Something about those words makes my chest feel lighter. Our spot. Our place. I could get used to hearing that.

Once we’ve ordered, curiosity gets the better of me. “Tell me about your brother.” She briefly mentioned him the first time we were here but didn’t go into too much detail. Now, I can’t help but want to know everything about her life.

She smiles to herself and her eyes look far away as if she’s been whisked off to a life with her brother. “Well, I was sixteen when he was born.” She starts, and my eyebrows shoot up. “It wasn’t planned. A later in life surprise for my parents.” She swirls her wine around the glass before taking a sip. “My parents are great. They always have been, but my mom was forty-two when she had Liam and couldn’t keep up with a hyperactive toddler anymore.” Her gaze drifts over my shoulder before she speaks again. “Sometimes it seemed as though I was more of a mom to him than our actual mom.”

I reach across the table and take her soft hand in mine. “That must have been hard.”

“It was.” She nods, “I had school and a job. I was getting ready to go off to college.” She smiles softly, “But I wouldn’t change any of it.”

“How come?”

“Because of how much we bonded.” She says and her face lights up with a breathtaking smile. “Now I get to be the cool big sister.” Her smile falters a little and she tries to hide it but I notice it. I always do when it comes to her.

I give her hand a gentle squeeze. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

She fiddles with a napkin, something she does when something’s bothering her. “I don't know.” She sighs, not meeting my eye. “Sometimes, I feel guilty for living so far away from him.” There’s a sadness behind her smile now. “Liam was diagnosed with ADHD when he was eight.” Every muscle in my body locks. Thank God Sasha is looking at the table instead of me right now. “It’s been tough for him, you know.” Yeah, I definitely know. “I don’t think my parents understand it like I do and that just makes it harder on him. They don’t have the patience to deal with him like I do.”

“What’s he like?”

She laughs to herself again. “Chaotic. Crazy. Mental. Take your pick.” That earns her a smile from me. “But he’s also the sweetest boy you will ever meet. He’s incredibly smart but unfortunately doesn’t do well in school.” She shrugs. “I’m not sure how much you know about it, but kids with ADHD tend to struggle in school because they can’t focus or have bad time management for homework tasks. Things like that.”

Yeah, I know. Every word she says lands somewhere deep inside me. School was hell for me. I got in trouble a lot for being disruptive. I lost focus way too easily and when I didn’t lose focus, there was always too much going on in my brain to actually take in what the teacher was saying.

Looking back at it now, it was probably the most difficult time in my life. I would have loved to go to college, for what, I don’t know, but I never had the courage to actually do it. But then hockey came along and changed everything. I wouldn’t trade this life for anything.

But still… Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if someone had understood me sooner. If I had a big sister like Sasha, would I have been able to handle it all better?

“Is he on medication?” Sasha looks surprised by my question, but quickly schools her features.

“No. My parents worked hard enough to get us by, but we couldn't afford the luxury things like holidays, takeout every week, or expensive gifts. Which also means we couldn't afford the medications that he needed. My parents looked at it as ‘if he can cope without it, then we're not wasting the money on it’.” She shakes her head slightly, clearly in disagreement with them. “Even with the insurance, it was just too much money.”

“Let me help.” I offer.

Her head snaps up in my direction. “What? No.” She replies looking flustered. “Thank you for the offer but I can’t accept that.”

“Sash, I want to help.” I’ve spent years trying to pay for treatments for kids whose families couldn’t afford it, trying to give those kids a better life than I had. Most of the time, people said no. I never understood why though. If I can help, why wouldn’t I? If I could individually pay for every single kid's medication, I would. I would do it in a heartbeat.