Page 172 of To Fight and To Fold

"You murmur a lot when you're sleeping. And I was trying to put the pieces together this whole time. You kept saying you were sorry."

Aaryn pulled back and cupped Thea's face. "I'm sorry to you," Aaryn clarified. "And to Carissa, for the hurt I know you're both going through, because of what I did."

"I hate that you had to make that choice. That I wasn't quick enough on my feet to avoid that fucking⁠—"

"You cannot blame yourself," Aaryn practically growled, and squeezed her hands.

"Says you!" Thea interjected, shaking their joint hold. "Having nightmares about me almost dying this whole time." She shook her head. "You can't blame yourself either. Feeling all that magic at once, after witnessing—what you did. No one would've known what to do."

And this is where Aaryn was afraid she would lose Thea. Because⁠—

"That's the thing, though," Aaryn said quietly. "I did know. For once… Thea. For once, I did know everything. And I didn't hesitate. And I wouldn't, not if you're the one on the line."

The silence was so loud Aaryn heard her own heartbeat like thunder. She knew that Thea would easily sacrifice herself for Rolim—because that's Thea.

But Aaryn wasn't as strong as Thea. Not in that way.

But maybe in different ones.

"I'm sorry I took that choice from you," Aaryn said softly. "If you had been in my shoes—would you have let me die?"

Thea recoiled, disgusted at just the idea, but Aaryn gripped her hands tighter, threaded their fingers together. Thea lifted her gaze, and Aaryn saw the understanding there. The truth.

Thea wouldn't let Aaryn die any more than Aaryn would let her.

"If it means I have you… I'll pick you every time, Thea.”

Thea's lips wobbled, and she kissed Aaryn.

This time Aaryn let herself sink into it, and this desire felt so very different than the compulsive need of the awakening. She slowed down, felt Thea's soft lips against her own, the warmth of her body so close. The truth was a prickly grief between them, one that they'd spend the rest of their lives tending to.

But at least they were alive to do so.

"I hate that you carried that through the awakening by yourself."

Aaryn stroked a hand through Thea's hair. "I was plenty distracted…" she said, trying for levity, but it fell flat. "But I also… on the off chance that you hated me and never wanted to see me again, I wanted us to have… that."

Thea held her closer, as if the words might become reality. "Never. I could never hate you."

And Aaryn hadn’t known how much she needed to hear that.

"I love you so much it scares me," Thea added.

"I think I rewrote time for you," Aaryn whispered with a wobbly smile.

Thea swallowed. “Don’t let anyone tell you your expectations are too high.”

Their chuckles were light when the truth was so heavy, but between the two of them they could hold this burden together. Or maybe it wasn't a burden—or wouldn't be, eventually.

Aaryn crushed their lips together, as if she could imprint her feelings into the kiss. As if she could keep Thea here with her forever.

The outside world waited, but here, now, Thea was Aaryn's.

Their bodies drew closer. A thigh slotted between Aaryn's and she rolled her hips forward.

Her tired muscles protested, but Aaryn ignored them for the peace the pleasure offered. The connection, the grounding. The reality.

They had survived.