Page 67 of Penn

The thing about Misty that I respect is that she has as close to a similar situation as I can find around here. And her perspective means more than everyone else who either hasn’t had kids or is with the man they’ve been with since middle school. She’s actually lived a life.

“Is it wrong? No. But DNA doesn’t mean it’s right, either. If you love this guy, and I mean really love him… which you’d have to in order to look over the fact he tried to kill you,” she says, emphasizing the last part with wide eyes, “then maybe you need to give him a shot.”

“But you wouldn’t do that, would you?”

“Fuck no,” she says. “But we aren’t the same person. I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I do reserve the right to judge you for making the wrong decision.”

I laugh, hugging my belly. “If you keep making me laugh, I might end up peeing on your couch.”

“Not the first time it’s happened,” she says. “How do you feel about Penn?”

“Excuse me?”

“Do you love him? Because if you do, leaving him for a man who gave you sperm—which is really the best thing you can say about him—would be a big mistake. Penn’s been hurt in the past, and I don’t think he’d forgive easily,” she says. “If he ever did.”

I know Penn’s been hurt before. He told me how much it changed him, and I hated to see that pain in his eyes. And knowing I’ve hurt him simply by considering Stephen’s proposal to be together hurts me. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt him. He’s done so much for me. More than I’d ever ask for.

“How are you now that you’re home?” I ask, changing the subject.

I’d hoped to get some clarity in my decision, but it’s even more muddled now. It’s best to focus on her instead.

“I’m good. And Zep’s amazing. Not only is he a great father to Bernie, but he’s been such a help with Lucy. He gets up with her in the middle of the night, even though he can’t feed her yet. I haven’t had enough time to get milk pumped and stored, but if she’s up, he’s up.”

“Really?”

Misty nods with a dreamy smile. “He refuses to let me do this alone. It’s no secret I raised Bernie on my own until Zep came into the picture, and he goes out of his way to make sure I never have to do that again.”

“That’s amazing, Misty.”

“I think Penn would be the same way. He looks at you the same way Zep looks at me. And Pacino looks at Phoebe. Hell, he looks at you the way I look at Phoebe. That woman is basically a goddamn angel.”

I laugh and lean back. But then I think about what she said. Penn has been around for every tragedy. And he’s never pushed me. He let me set the pace, and even though he wanted more, he didn’t want to overstep while I lived under his roof.

Not to mention how he’s more than happy to make sure I’m satisfied, even if he doesn’t get his in return. He dotes on me, even when it annoys me, and he looks like he’s been given the greatest gift in the world when he feels the baby kicking.

Being at the ultrasound made his entire day. Week, even. And he said he was happy. Not to mention that he didn’t try to correct the doctor when he called Penn the father. Which was incredibly sexy.

Holy shit.

I’m in love with Penn Calloway.

How didn’t I realize this?

“And then Lucy has the biggest blowout I’ve ever seen,” Misty says, pulling me from my thoughts. “I can’t wait until you experience that, and then we can share in our misery of poopy grossness.”

“Can’t wait,” I say, trying my hardest to focus on our conversation.

It’s hard now that I know how I feel about Penn. And what I need to do.

Chapter 26

Dixie

Ididn’t tell Penn what I’d realized when he picked me up from Misty’s house. I wanted to. It would have probably made things a little better between us, but I’m still scared.

What if he doesn’t love me back?

He’s been great, and he’s done more than any other man in my life ever has, but that doesn’t mean he loves me. And telling him without him saying it back is more than I’m willing to do.