Page 88 of The Bargain

“He’s strong, and clever, and confident. He’s not like anyone I’ve ever met, ever. He makes me want to outsmart him and outmatch him, even though I technically should have every advantage over him.” I bite into my lower lip. “I lo—I like that he laughs a lot.”

Dad nods, as if what I’m saying isn’t completely lame and random. He gazes at me and I peek up at him, blinking rapidly.

“You must think I’ve gone completely insane.”

He laughs. “Worse than that, Dess.” He stands up, still sprightly given he’s been complaining of having a dodgy knee for the past five years. “You, my daughter, are in love.”

My heart tightens, closes up like a fist, punches right through my chest. For a single moment, I’m left reeling, breath short. I think of the black hole that is love, the event horizon that was the night of the gala or the night of the Halloween party or maybe even the night at the Cyprian, and of being dragged into darkness without having to fight—without wanting to.

Then Dad gives me his hand and I take it, letting him haul me up to my feet despite not needing his help.

“I feel like a total loser,” I tell him, a different version of the truth, which is that I’m scared, absolutely petrified.

“Well, if it helps, your mum thought I was a total loser too and she still married me,” Dad replies. And then, instead of walking away or grabbing our things, he stands right in front of me, taking my cheeks in his hands and forcing me to look up at him. “So you like this boy, and it’s pretty obvious from the way he looks at you that he likes you back. That’s not so complicated, is it?”

I swallow hard. For a moment, a flood of words rises to my throat, and I have the overwhelming urge to let it all out. All of it, the ugly, reckless truth: me and Elias; the bargain and the rules; the gala and the Pearsons; the dying star and the black hole.

But if I told him all of that, then I’d have to tell him about why I went to Elias in the first place—what he owes me, and what the twins did, and⁠—

Ophelia.

Dad’s youngest child. My parents’ favourite daughter, and everyone’s favourite sibling.

Whom I failed to protect.

I nod, shoulders slumping in defeat. “You’re right, Dad. It’s just… it’s not easy.”

Dad smiles, tender and thoughtful. “Loving someone?”

My heart skips a beat.

“Trusting them,” I say.

“Ah, yes. But the two are so easy to mistake, aren’t they?”

I nod but can’t bring myself to say anything, because I do trust Elias, who’s only ever been honest about what he wants from me and what he’s trying to achieve, and only ever hidden things from me out of fear or vulnerability, like his past in foster care or the physics thing with Mr Mazzati.

At my expression, Dad laughs softly.

“My sweet girl.” He guides my head down and presses a kiss to the top of my hair. “If anybody’s going to figure this out, it’s going to be you.” He tips my chin up to him once more. “Whatever you do, don’t ever let fear hold you back from the things you want. You’ll only ever regret it.”

Maybe he’s right, and it really is that simple. But it doesn’t feel simple at all.

It feels like standing on the baseline, racket poised, waiting for a ball I may not be able to return.

34

Gallow Steps

Elias

When Desdemona walked into my bedroom that night, I thought I knew exactly who she was. Head girl. Famous parents. Shitty ex. The golden girl of Spearcrest—with a pair of troublemaking brothers and a little goth sister, Ophelia.

And then she offered me twenty grand to potentially ruin my future, and was even willing to sleep with me in exchange for it; that’s when I realised this whole thing had something to do with her siblings. I wasn’t wrong, but I wasn’t looking at the whole thing the way I should’ve been.

I saw it as an opportunity.

But I should’ve thought of it as a puzzle.