Page 51 of Toxic Kiss

My eyes snap open, not wanting to see the rest play out in my head.

“Fuck.”

Swinging my legs out of bed, I hold my head in my hands. I can still see Haven’s face. She had lain on the sand, looking up at me, naked, defenseless, and scared, and I laughed.

My stomach rolls, the dinner from hours earlier threatening to make an appearance. I hated myself so much back then and didn’t care who I hurt, but now…not much has changed. I’m a fraud. I play up being the big man on stage, but the fame doesn’t make me love myself.

I grab the journal and run my fingers over the cover before putting it away.

I turn and slip out into the hallway. When I reach Haven’s room, I try the handle, and it’s unlocked. The door doesn’t make a sound when I push it open. My heart stops beating. It freezes in my chest as if it’s caught in a vice.

Haven is on her back, hair sprawled around her as a sliver of moonlight shines on her face. A step at a time, I inch closer until I’m staring down at her, watching her chest rise and fall with each breath.

Bending over, I inhale her delicious scent and close my eyes. I’m addicted to her, always have been.

“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry,” I whisper in her ear.

Haven murmurs something incoherent, and it tugs at my heart.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, I slide my hand under hers, and a sense of calm washes over me. I haven’t felt peace like this in so long that I’ve forgotten what it’s like.

More than an hour passes with me watching her before I finally step out of the room and shut the door. I rest my forehead against the cool wood and close my eyes. There will be no more sleep for me tonight.

chapter

sixteen

“There are moments that brand themselves into your heart. Not because you want to remember, but because your soul refuses to forget.” – Haven

CYRUS

Sleep never comes.

I avoid Haven all day and thankfully she doesn’t hunt me down. Last night one thing became clear. Until I know what the hell is wrong with me, there is no point in dragging Haven down. I’ve already done that to her enough, so that means keeping my distance.

I keep sound check short and lock myself in my room until it’s time to join the rest of the band. The roar of the crowd can be heard through the walls, and the vibration goes up my legs. It’s so strong that I don’t know where my tremor begins, and the crowd noise ends.

We walk like a silent army. Straight line, boots marching in time as we head for the front lines. The lights dim, and we take the stage to thumping, clapping, and cheering. I can faintly pick out the screams of ‘I love you,’ ‘Marry me,’ ‘Oh my god, I’m going to die.’ I smirk and give those in the front row a wink.

I don’t hold back. I pour my fear, lust, and bone-deep frustration into every note and raw chord.

The band is locked in. Ash pounds the drums with a rhythm that matches my heartbeat. Vex is shredding the guitar, backing me with the same chaos I carry in my chest. Ledger’s fingers dance over keys like they are an extension of his soul. Eren’s bass grounds us all, the calm under the madness.

I stalk the stage like it owes me something. The set goes by fast, the few wardrobe and set changes are efficient with no issues. The lighting and sound crews are killing it tonight, and before I know it, I’m singing the last song. A love ballad that I wrote while in rehab the last time. Even then thinking about Haven is what got me through the darkest moments.

I’m sorry I’m a mess,

and I always seem to hurt you.

My heart is so in love,

even though I don’t deserve you.

These words hold so much more meaning than before. I’ve always thought of Haven when I sing, but now the lyrics hit different and carve a piece of my soul out with each word.

My head is full of trauma

that I’m trying hard to work through.