Page 163 of Toxic Kiss

My throat aches and turns scratchy as I try to swallow down the deceit that I’m still holding back from her. My mother didn’t kill her mom, but did Mrs. Gaillard know of the affair? Did she know that Auguste was going to file for divorce even while she was ill? That he probably would’ve taken Haven from her? Did it make her want to give up the fight?

“Yes, I hated you when I first arrived, but I didn’t always. It just seemed that way. The fact is, I couldn’t deal with my own shit. I hated myself and the world, and I just wanted you to be there with me.”

“What do you mean?”

With a sigh, I rub the back of my neck.

“I can’t remember the exact day when I realized that the anger toward you had shifted. I’d fallen for you, and that freaked me the fuck out. I told you that I couldn’t stand your face, but the truth was, I wanted you. By then, I’d spent four years making sure everyone knew how much I hated you. I didn’t know how to walk it back. But I also couldn’t let you go.”

“No. You knew how to walk it back, you just didn’t want the fallout.”

Slap. Not actually, but she may as well have. It’s just like her to hit me with the reality of my stupidity. Haven has always done that, cut right to the heart of the issue and let me bleed without offering a bandage. It’s partly why I love her so fucking much.

She looks me over, and her eyes feel like a seductive touch and an accusation. Fuck, I’ve always hated emotions. What good are they anyway? All they’ve ever done is twist me into a person I don’t like.

“You’re right, I was a coward. But it runs deeper than just what people would say. Although I can’t deny that it wasn’t part of the reason.”

Haven pulls her fingers out from under mine, and my heart jumps in panic. She shivers and crosses her arms.

“Are you cold?”

“Yeah.”

Standing, I head to the bars and bang on them.

“Hello! Officer. Guard. Anyone?”

“It’s okay, Cy.”

I glance over my shoulder. “No, it’s not.” I rattle the bars again. “Hello!”

“But what if they toss you in solitary?”

Fear races down my spine, but I push it aside.

“Then they do.”

The heavy door clanks, and Officer Grimes walks in with the coffee.

“Sorry, I had paperwork, but here is the coffee and the stuff I want signed.”

“Thanks, but I need the hoodie I wore in,” I say, only taking the coffee and ignoring the items for now. Grimes catches on quick.

“Okay, I’ll be right back.”

He’s back in no more than two minutes, but it gives me time to think about what I want to say to Haven. How do I explain the things I barely understand in my brain? Is there really an excuse? Not really. But I’ll try.

“Here you go,” Grimes says, pushing it through the bars. I take it and the stuff he wants signed. He has a hat, a picture frame, and a special edition vinyl record. “This is like fate. Her birthday is next week. Now they’ll be signed to boot.”

I scribble my name across all three items.

“Your wife really is a fan to have this,” I say, holding out the record. “We only had five thousand of those for a throwback promotion.”

“I know.” He smiles wide. “Last year, for her birthday, I got her front row seats to your Among the Dead tour in Chicago. It was the best night of my life. I can’t wait to see what she does when I give her this stuff signed.”

The sexual innuendo is not lost on me, and I laugh.

“Well, hope this helps make this one even better. Any word on when we’re getting out of here?”