Page 137 of Toxic Kiss

The slap is completely unexpected and rocks me to the side. I grab my cheek while she points to the broken door hanging by a single hinge. It suddenly feels like a tableau of what lies between us.

“Leave.”

“Haven, let me explain.” I lick my lips and inch closer, but she steps back. “I said it but…”

“But what?”

The air doesn’t move. The words refuse to cross my lips because there is no good answer.

She blinks, and tears shimmer in her gorgeous green eyes.

“Don’t worry, I already know the answer. You don’t need to tell me. You either used me that night or you were embarrassed by me when talking to whoever that was the next day. Maybe it was both.”

She shrugs like she carries the world on her shoulders and it’s just too heavy to hold anymore.

“You say you loved me then, and that you love me now. I say you love the fact that I let you use me. And I did, I know it. I was a doormat.”

“That’s not true, you were the only one who stood up to me.”

Haven chuckles and shakes her head.

“Sure, for my survival. But I also sat with you whenever you were upset. I rescued you from going too far. I pulled you back from the edge when you thought all was lost. I let you yell and scream and call me names. I did. I always did. I stupidly let you treat me like your fucking punching bag because I was dumb enough to care.”

“Haven…I…I know all that. You’re the only person who has ever been able to get through to me.”

Saying it out loud, I can hear how selfish it sounds.

“Cy…we may have only had sex that one night, but I enabled your cruel behavior. I was your crutch, nothing more than a prop on the way to the rest of your life. I was the perfect outlet for all your frustrations, rather than looking inward and fixing the things you hated in your life. Call it whatever you want, but that’s not love. The worst part is that I’ve come to realize I deserved to hear you say those words. I deserved the pain and the feeling of having my heart ripped out. I deserved it because I was stupid.”

Each word is a cut to my heart, slicing deeper than the last, and I can’t argue with any of the accusations. She is right. I used her, but I did love her. I just didn’t know how to break the pattern between us. It doesn’t matter…it doesn’t make what I did any better.

“If you truly care at all, then go and leave me alone to wallow in my self-hatred. I caved and let you use me again. Leave, you already took pieces of me that I’ll never get back, I won’t give you any more,” she softly confesses.

Haven glances at the door, a silent order as her bottom lip trembles.

Stepping toward the opening with the wood hanging by a single hinge, I stop and look over my shoulder.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I swear I didn’t.”

Haven turns her back on me, but I can’t bring myself to leave. Stepping into the hallway and out of sight, I lean back against the wall. The sound of her falling apart breaks me in ways that I’ll never be able to explain. My soul cries along with hers.

I slide down the wall, my ass hits the floor, and I cradle my head in my hands. I listen, but the sound that once brought me peace now feels like razor blades scraping the inside of my chest. A broken sob reaches my ears, and I’m no longer able to keep my head above the water. I’m suddenly sinking below the surface like a stone with no one left to save me.

All this time, I thought she had played me, but I should’ve known that Haven would never do that.

No…that’s something I would do.

The truth? I’ve done what I always do. I’ve taken the one good and decent thing in my life and destroyed it. I did it. I have no one to blame but myself.

And worse? Even if it crushes us both…I still want all of her, including her pain-soaked tears.

Haven is mine.

For better or worse, our song was written the day we met…and every note has been dragging us back to the same inevitable end.

Her and Me. Forever.

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