Page 143 of Vexatious Queen

The moonlight was bright tonight, illuminating his face and making him look ethereal. He had the gentlest of hearts and was so beautiful that he put the rest of us to shame. All he needed was a pair of angel wings.

It really hurt my soul that he was the one who had killed Lawrence. He had been touched by that darkness and lost his mom. I wanted to wrap him up and never let it reach him again. But that was a ridiculous notion, and Blake would be offended if I said it out loud.

The purity that radiated from him inspired me and reminded me that I needed to keep balance in my life. It was easy to let the darkness take over, to wish death on the people who had hurt the ones I loved, or to buy my way out of situations. Hard choices that affected everyone should never be easy to make. He was that reminder. So, call me selfish, but I wanted to keep that sweetness forever.

“You’re crying,” he said, wiping away the tear trailing a warm line down my cheek. “Are you upset by what we did? By the kiss with Myles, by⁠—”

Reaching out, I silenced him with a finger on his lips, but his green eyes were still filled with worry.

“It’s nothing like that. I loved what we did tonight, and I was serious when I said I have no issue with whatever you and Myles choose to do with this new addition to your relationship. I’d like to know if things change again, but it doesn’t bother me. In fact, I like it for a number of reasons. Being super fucking hot is at the top of the list,” I said, and he smiled.

“Then why the tears?”

“Just feeling emotional.”

I cupped his face and ran my thumb over his bottom lip.

“I’m still so sorry that you felt abandoned by me.”

Blake snuggled closer, kissing my forehead.

“Don’t. There was a lot going on for both of us. You lost a parent that night, too. Neil was your father for thirteen years, and despite how angry, confused, and abandoned you felt by him, the truth came out in the end. He loved and protected you and your mother the best he could.”

His words poked at the wound in my chest. The hole left by those I had lost. Neil had loved me, and I’d let my anger over my mother’s death drive a wedge between us. I never even had the chance to tell him how much I loved him.

“You’ve lost so much. I can’t imagine the pain you felt watching as the people you loved were murdered. I don’t know how you’re keeping it together. I think that was part of what had me so upset. I was falling into a void of despair, and yet, you kept going. Your strength is incredible, but it’s also intimidating. How can I compete with that?”

“Blake, this is not a competition.”

“I know, and it shouldn’t feel that way. But I want to be strong like you, so it felt like I was failing again.”

He linked our fingers together on the pillow and held on as another tear slipped free.

“Look, the thing is, Theo was right. There were a lot of people coming and going, and as much as I wanted you there, we spent our days talking to family, and took turns at night sitting with my dad. There wouldn’t have been any real time for us to be together. But my heart hurt so much, and I lashed out.”

“Still, I could’ve done more. I’ll never let that happen again for any reason with any of you. I’m still working on how to juggle this relationship. It’s like a fast-moving train, and I’m supposed to be the conductor, but I feel like I’m hanging onto the caboose for dear life.”

Blake chuckled. “That’s an image.”

I squeezed his fingers. “I love you. I love you so much, and I hate that I did anything to hurt you.”

“You didn’t. I swear we’re good. I just hate how every time we turn around, there is someone else deceiving us or trying to kill us, though.”

I looked down and sighed, knowing that some of this never would have happened if I hadn’t come here. Would Ella still be alive? Would Neil? Or Nadia? What if I’d just run off instead of getting on Lawrence’s jet? God, I hated to think that I was a catalyst for so much carnage, but it weighed on my mind all the time.

“Hey, I didn’t mean anything by that. I wouldn’t change meeting you for anything.”

I flicked my gaze up. “Not even if it meant your mother was alive?”

He pressed his lips into a hard line.

“We don’t know that anything would’ve been different, and that’s the truth. She hated Lawrence, and even though my father bailed him out of trouble, more than once, so did he. They were going to come to a head with him at some point. Maybe over my initiation.”

“Yeah…maybe.”

“Ren, you can’t take this on. People make their own choices. Free will and all that. My mom knew that helping you and your mother made her a target. She still chose to do it. She knew that taking Nash and Myles in and treating them like my brothers did the same thing. I’m convinced she would choose to do it all over again, even knowing what would happen, because my mom was like that. She helped people regardless of the personal cost. Don’t take that away from her. It makes her death somehow less meaningful. At least right now, everything that happened, good and bad, I can say she would stand by the decision.”

My lip lifted in a half-hearted smile.