Page 14 of Burn Me Down

Beck grabbed her pillow and held it to her chest as she sat cross-legged on the bed. Then her eyes found mine through the camera.

“Thank you,” she said softly, laying her head on the pillow. “I’m really scared of spiders.”

That one sentence gave me all the ammunition I would ever need to torture her mind before I killed her. I didn’t think I could do it though. I found it adorable that she needed me. I wasn’t stupid. I knew why her yelling for me to help her had made me smile. No one other than Asher had ever needed me. Well, him and fucknut Chase Mathers, but not a woman. Dora had cared and got me to help her, but it wasn’t the same. She did it to help me not the other way around. It felt good to be needed and wanted by Beck, even if it was just for pest control.

“I don’t know if you’re watching this, but…can you tell me why you want me? I…I….” She started to cry and didn’t finish what she was going to say, and even though I knew I couldn’t let her out, I also couldn’t stand listening to the soft sobbing. I quickly muted the television before I did something stupid.

If you’re not careful, you’ll fall in love with her, and then what will you do for your grand revenge?

I ignored the voice, but it did have a point.

What good would falling in love with her do? It’s not as if someone like her would ever love the likes of you.

“Please just shut up. I can only take so much self-loathing in one day. My quota is officially full,” I mumbled into the empty room, shocked when the voice didn’t poke at me again.

Stretching out on the couch, I stared at Beck on the screen until she finally tipped over sideways and fell asleep. Only then did I let my eyes close.

Rebecca

Shit, I was going to be late. Rushing around, I pulled on my scrubs, and in my haste, I got my arm stuck in the hole for my head.

Brian laughed. “Here, let me help you with that,” he said, and I sighed as he grabbed the top, helping me get it down into place. “You are adorable.” Brian kissed my lips.

“Thank you. What would I do without you?”

“You would be completely lost,” Brian said, smiling.

“Don’t forget I have a double today, and then tomorrow we meet with the wedding planner at eleven.”

“I haven’t forgotten.”

I turned in a circle and patted down my scrubs. Seeing my badge on the coffee table, I walked over and picked it up, clipping it into place. Mid-turn, I noticed a splash of blue in between the couch cushions. Normally, I would just run off and deal with it later, but for whatever reason, I rounded the coffee table.

“Are you looking for these?” I looked over my shoulder to see Brian holding up my keys.

“Yeah, in a sec.”

Reaching between the fat cushions of the couch we had just purchased, my hand wrapped around something, and I pulled out lacy blue underwear. My brain screeched to a halt as I stared at the pair I didn’t recognize. I had lots of underwear that spanned from super sexy to I am bloated, and it’s that time of the month, but these were not mine. Not even on my best day was I an extra small.

“Hey, what’s going on? I thought you were going to be late for work?”

“Why don’t you tell me?” Anger burned in my chest, but tears stung the back of my eyes. This always happened to me. It didn’t seem to matter who I chose to date. They either left or cheated. From the time that I was thirteen and Vi kicked a guy’s ass for me, it had been like this. What I couldn’t figure out was why. What was so wrong with me?

“I don’t know what you mean,” he said, his voice confused. At least both of us were now.

Slowly turning around, I cataloged his expression as I held up the lacy thong between my two fingers. All the color drained from his face as he ran his hand through his hair.

“Beck, look. I’m sorry. I love you, but you work a lot, and I get lonely.” He shoved his hands in his pockets.

“Well, maybe you wouldn’t be lonely if you bothered to get a job,” I said. I’d been dying to tell him to get off his ass for a long time, but I hadn’t wanted to be mean. Now, I didn’t care.

“Ouch. You know I can’t hold a job because I have trouble with authority figures. I thought you understood that?”

Taking a step toward him, I looked him in the eyes, and it was as if I was seeing him for the first time. Brian was fun and spontaneous, had the same taste in food and music, and loved the same places to hang out, but if I was honest, the signs were there. He hated the idea of commitment and never wanted to give us an official title. Even after he proposed, he wanted to keep it secret. I caught his lingering stares at girls half my size. I’d always been self-conscious about being firmly in the large t-shirt category. My hips were curvy, and my boobs were the size of cantaloupes. Vi said she was jealous of my curves, but I didn’t feel lucky. When every guy you had ever dated looked at other women, it was hard to feel anything but horrible about yourself. Here I was once again in the same scenario. I chose the wrong guy, ignored all the flags, and had no one to blame but myself. I was so desperate that I was willing to put up with being treated like shit just to say I was with someone.

“What I understand, Brian, is that I work a ninety-hour work week because we’re short-staffed to help those in need. I pay the bills and cook all the meals while you can’t be bothered to get off your ass to do anything. No, sorry, that’s incorrect. You got off your ass long enough to stick your dick in someone else and then blame me for it. What I also know is that this so-called condition you’re suffering from only seems to occur when you buy a new video game and want to hang out in the house and play, or maybe you’re jerking off. I don’t know anymore, and honestly, I don’t care.”

Brian’s mouth fell open, and I threw the underwear at his face. “Beck, don’t be like this. I’m sorry. I do love you, but….”