Page 86 of Never Till Now

I can now confirm an emotional gut punch feels worse than the real thing.

“You can leave now.” I motion to the door with squinted eyes, a tilted head and a tight smirk full of dramatic attitude that only a teenager is proud enough to use.

“Enjoy rebuilding those castle walls, Lauren.” He holds my eyes one last time before opening the door. “I really thought I’d be the wrecking ball your heart needed.” And then, he’s gone.

Little did he know, he was the wrecking ball my guarded soul needed but vacated the job before the dust settled.

I don’t make it to my bed. My hand grabs the couch for support as I fill my lungs with air, caving into the excruciating hurt that pulverizes my stomach. Tears sting, flooding over my eyes as a foreign, pained cry leaves my lips. My body tenses as if it’s responding to a terrible past trauma, only a hand was never laid on me. Adam’s words echo through my head, punishing me for standing by my choice.

I fall to my couch, curling my legs to my chest. My head feels light and spiny as I watch the city lights blur through my vision. I say a silent prayer for sleep to bail me out of this conscious realm.

Chapter 24

Adam

My fists ball as I wait for the elevator and channel every ounce of self-control to not punch a hole or five through the drywall. Or jump through the center of eight flights of stairs because the pain will end at the concrete bottom.

Just a fleeting thought.

Get a fucking hold of yourself, Adam.

The blood pulses through my ears as my heart tries to process the last life-altering hour. My head spins. Anger spews toward myself most of all. I shouldn’t have let myself fall for Lauren. I should have stuck to my rule and listened to that voice in my head telling me to not ask for our arrangement in the first place. She was willing to leave without asking for my name. That should have been the giant neon sign warning me that she had been through shit.

I hear a sob echo through the hallway as I wait for the elevator. My ears don’t want to translate to my heart what they just heard. As tough as she has made herself, she’s still human at her core. My heart pulls forward, drawing me with the need to run back and hug the woman who has been through so much that she can’t bear to hear she is loved.

I’d spend every night next to her if it kept her nightmares at bay. As much as it pains me, if she can’t fathom any time apart without taking offense, that’s her problem to work through. If I love her, I don’t want to beg her to let me.

The cool night air revives my lungs as I take off in a sprint. I don’t care if I look like a crazy man running in a five-thousand-dollar suit down the road. Each stride attempts to melt away the buildup in my mind. The aggression with my job, my family, this situation, my heart plummeting to the depth of hell like it never has for anyone, but it’s Lauren who fuels my need to burn everything off. My ribs are heaving as I reach the top of a vertical hill, still unable to find any relief. Tonight, I know only two things will be able to help fog my mind. I sprint back to my place, drowning in bourbon and the ivory keys.

I don’t hear from Lauren the rest of the weekend. I’ve been in a chronological trance of meals, packing, paperwork and staring at the ceiling all night, cursing myself. In a shameful, hopeless manner, I half hoped Lauren would show up here. She’d knock on my door breathless, even though she would take the elevator up. I’d open my door, shocked, as Lauren explains the mistake she made. She’d rant in one breath, explaining that the time I am gone is still worth the weekend visits. How her schedule made it easy for us to work, and on her last breath, she would tell me she loves me.

I head to the hotel gym so I can punish myself for thinking such a stupid scenario.

Damn Kelsie for suckering me into watching those stupid romance movies with her as a teenager.

I grit my teeth and rip my gloves off as the punching bags sways slowly. The small downstairs gym is all I have time for today, plus Max hasn’t spoken to me since his last shift at the bar. Not that I blame him. He is happy with his next career move and I took my anger out on him. I’m pissed about being uprooted to a new location without a choice in the matter. Having your life planned out for you seems great on paper, until you have a different outlook on the world around you. My grandfather can manage my position for the time being here, as most of his workload has been passed down to my father, who is now putting pressure on me.

Aspen is too far for my parents to leave their grandchildren and work affairs here. So, until someone else fills the Aspen location, it fucking falls into my damn hands. Being diverse in more than my CFO job title is great for a person who doesn’t want to give up this lavish lifestyle.

As much as my heart dips to my stomach with the need for Lauren in my life, my family needs me more.

I’ve only spoken to my father once this weekend and it was to confirm my flight. His words were a knife to my gut as he preached about the way Lauren looks at me, saying she would be willing to make our relationship last. The only clear thing is that he and I both need our fucking eyes tested.

Like the morning fog in this city, my vision had been hazed. The clarity in her conviction scorched my fucking soul, burning away every single thing I thought we would be.

I turn my phone to silent in case my father tries to call. I can’t deal with hearing his words of “encouragement.” Especially since he constantly brings up how proud he is of Emmett for finally working hard to finish up his degree. Emmett technically doesn’t even need his fucking degree. Who the fuck minors in business on and off for years when you are born to heir a luxury hotel chain with on-the-job training? My father is well aware of how aggravated I am with my brother pussyfooting his way through Europe, taking his sweet time with schooling.

Fucking pussyfooter Emmett. My fist crashes into the gym wall, leaving the dust of drywall fluttering to the floor. I storm up to my place, shower and grab my luggage.

My eyes scan over my pristine place once more to make sure everything is turned off, and I spot a hair tie by my floor-to-ceiling windows. The same window I had Lauren against, breathless at my mercy, not too long ago. My teeth clamp together, eliciting pain to my head instead of my heart. Pushing down the feelings of hurt and hate, I head across the hall to deal with more goodbyes and tears from my niece and nephew.

These first three weeks in Aspen have been jam-packed, but during every split second of silence, I’m lost in a fucking thought about Lauren. Jealousy and hurt meet the punching bag every night in the small hotel gym. Each punch to the bag reverberates with unhealthy thoughts. Has she gone back to her old ways of bringing new guys home? Has she woken up from her traumatic past nightmare? Does she have a hair tie if she pukes or a person to help calm her down when she spirals from work? She is so fucking strong to cope with her entire life up until I had been there for her. I can’t fault her for wanting to be responsible for her own healing, but I can’t shake the fact that I want to stand by her side.

I chug my water until I need to gasp for air. Sweat drips down my face as my gloves beat against the bag again. This round is for the possibility of remaining celibate since I can’t even smile at an attractive woman without feeling guilt. Lauren is out of my life, building her walls back up as I mentally beg to be the mortar piecing her back together. Only I’ve failed because my brother, yet again, doesn’t have his shit together. Emmett hasn’t reached out once to see how things are going in Aspen, but I see how actively hard he’s working on his studies while posting beach photos with a handful of influencers.

I swipe my phone open to answer Kelsie’s video call and two youthful smiles greet me on the other end.

“Hey kiddos!” I wipe the sweat off my brow.