Page 84 of Never Till Now

My head remains forward as I power walk the few blocks to my place. I skip my elevator and walk up the many flights of stairs, trying to rid myself of unwanted tension. My gut burns with the aggravation I unwillingly acquired from the bar. He follows without a word. My foot trips up the steps and pain shoots through my shin as the sharp edge of the stair slams into it. Still, Adam remains mute as I stand back up and finish the last flight.

“What the hell was that about?” I set my keys on the counter and turn to face him.

“There’s two things.” His arms fold across his chest, shutting his body language down. “I have to go to Aspen.” He pushes out a long breath and returns to his normal, collected self.

“Okay, so?” My back leans against the counter and I cross my arms. “That doesn’t warrant the dramatic show you gave to the lounge earlier.”

“My brother wants to take over the Aspen location after graduation in the spring.” He pauses and steps toward me as silence lingers.

“Adam, I don’t play games either.” Can we make up so I can finally tell you how much you mean to me? “Is your business trip to get things ready for him?”

“The person running the place right now had a family incident and resigned starting next week.” His dark eyes that held frustration moments before are now full of hurt. “I’m heading there to oversee everything for the next six to eight months until my brother gets his shit in order.”

Blink.

Deep breath.

I will be alright.

Process nonattachment.

Blink.

My past armor internally clicks together as I manage to hold my unwavering expression. Some would call me a statue with a mechanical inside as the pieces click back together into the person I once was. The dejected drop in my gut travels up like a rocket to my thoughts. No one ever stays, no one is entitled to. Adam’s words shouldn’t take me by surprise when I’ve had a lifetime of disappointing preparation. Our arrangement was temporary at the start and I knew that. The nanosecond of my fleeting thoughts for us being more, was a hurtful mistake.

My cheeks act as a barrier between my clenching teeth, but I like focusing on this pain. It hurts less than what my heart might feel. Adam is another confirmation that no one has ever stayed true to their word, besides Lloyd.

“Lauren, did you hear me?” Adam takes a step forward, reaching his hand out to my arm and I flinch.

I don’t mean to flinch, but his touch burns as much as his toxic words. I swallow, taking a calm, steady breath to hold my composure. A small smile rests on my lips before I meet the charming brown eyes that see me better than anyone else has. Or so I thought.

“Well, the past few months have been great deathbed memories.” I nod curtly and swing my eyes to the door, expecting him to leave. “So, thank you.”

“The fuck… wait, you’re not...” His hands cup my face and I’ve never seen so many lines scrunch on his forehead. “Lauren, I didn’t tell you that because I want us to end.” His head crooks to the side as his eyes scan my face, but I don’t know why he looks fearful.

“Then stay.” My voice is pleading as I use every ounce of willpower to not let my tears fall. “Stay here and be happy with me.” It should be that simple. “There are other people who can temporarily fill the position.” This has to be my last attempt to allow my armor to crack before assembling all the pieces to never break again.

“I am happy with you, Lauren.” His jaw is tight, fighting his own emotions. “I want us to work. But I have to move to Aspen for the time being. I will be back for good eventually.” His head shakes. “Don’t end this.”

“What the hell am I supposed to do? I let you leave and wait until you come back for me?” I’ve heard that one too many times in my life. “You want me to spend every day waiting on standby for you to live your life until you decide it’s convenient to give me the time of day again?” My fingers reach up, wrapping around his thick wrists and removing his hands from my face.

“You have days off. I have a jet so we can fly to see each other whenever.” His voice pleads but I’m already half closed off to let myself care. “If you really love Aspen, you could take time off work or even transfer—”

“No.” The deepness in my voice surprises me as I step to the side, creating more space. “No one will tell me how to live. I did that for eighteen years.”

“Am I the only one trying to make this work, Lauren?” I know the waver in his tone shows how hurt he is, but he’s not the only employee that can fill the Aspen position.

“Adam, you’re the one choosing to move.”

“Lauren, I lo—”

“Don’t!” My voice drops an octave and jumps in volume. “Please, don’t.” My heart prickles as I feel myself begin to lose control of the version that I spent a lifetime curating.

“I know you don’t want to hear it for many reasons. But for my sake, you need to know.” Adam’s hands cup my cheeks once again as his forehead touches mine. “I love you, Lauren. I love every piece of your soul.”

“You said you wouldn’t fall for me.” My voice wavers as hopeless pain clamps around my lungs, stifling my breath.

“You said you wouldn’t let me,” he whispers against my lips, clutching my cheeks as if his hands are meant to stay molded there forever.