Page 69 of Never Till Now

Due to a fatal apartment building fire, I end up with a twenty-four-hour trauma shift my first day back. Once everyone had been triaged, I pull out my phone and see a message.

Charmer: Hey…

Charmer: Damn, 238 is next level. *Fire emoji*

Was that the apartment that caught fire? Lacking the brainpower to decipher what he is talking about, I slip the phone back into my bag to reply later. I finish my patient rounds and head home to crash. Staying busy is what I thrive on.

Today, therapy caused tears but rationalizations. Abandonment is an obvious diagnosis in my world. How to deal with it is another thing. I’m proud of myself for being able to talk bluntly to my therapist about my issues. I have Rachel to thank for that. No shame in asking for what you want, because in recent experiences, it has helped. Letting someone into my mind doesn’t mean I have to open my heart right away. I need someone to prove that they want to be around me even though things can be an unstable mess. If I’m not what Adam needs in his life, then that’s on him. Not me.

I walk through my door and head to the kitchen to pour a glass of water. I have high hopes to grab an hour or two of sleep before I head into my night shift. Depending on traumas, your schedule can be changed around short notice. A knock taps on my door. I peek through the peephole and debate if I have enough energy to open up.

“You’re here.” I don’t know where to start.

“I thought you’d want to finish your spicy shirtless guy book.” Adam gives me a wink and a charming smile. “I’m down to try the kink on page two hundred and thirty-eight if you are.” My mouth opens with surprise. “Spoiler alert, they end up together.”

“That’s usually how these fictional worlds end, Charmer.” I make a mental note to pay close attention on the suggested page and step out of the way for him to enter. “I want to apologize for the other day.”

“You have nothing to be sorry about.”

“Right. Still learning.” I chug my water and refill it. “How is Mallory doing?”

“You helped her a lot. Whatever you said made a difference.” He reaches out, pulling me against him. “How are you? I wanted to give you some space after you took off, but at the same time, I wanted to see you.” I don’t miss the pain in his voice. “I’m still learning what to do in situations like this.”

Did I really want that space? I have crawled back into my guarded self the past two days.

“The hug moment with Mallory was unpredictable. I get it if you had doubts about seeing me again.” My voice is light and airy.

“Lauren.” His hand reaches under my chin and tips my head up. “I gave you space because that’s what I thought you wanted. You left in a blink and didn’t return any of my texts.”

“I like my space.” I look off to the side.

“There’s a but to your sentence.” He moves his head to regain eye contact. “Please tell me if you don’t want space. I know you’re on a different path than the previous women I’ve known. But I need you to be direct with me.”

“I didn’t know if you thought I was too fucked up after what happened with Mallory.” I sigh and try to avert my eyes away from the hold his have on mine.

“You know I don’t think that.”

“I didn’t respond because I had a twenty-four-hour trauma shift from a fire. I honestly was too exhausted and forgot to reply.” I sigh. “I was scared if I reached out that you’d tell me we are done with whatever we are.” I’d rather us end quietly so I could sink back into my routine and avoid a problem head-on.

“We”—his finger waves back and forth between us—“are in these moments together. I want to be there for you. I need you to be honest. If you didn’t want to see me, that’s okay too. I just want your truths.”

“And it’s okay if you don’t always like them?” I reconfirm the coping skill that I learned earlier.

“How you feel is more important than anything else. You need to address what you want.” He places a kiss on my forehead.

“Only truths. Got it.” I step away as emotional exhaustion kicks into high gear and I stare at the clock. “One more shift.” I yawn and try to widen my eyes as if that will help.

“You’re going into work?”

“Yeah, I came home this morning and went to therapy. I need a couple of hours to recuperate before heading in tonight.”

“Your helping heart is beautiful.” His hands cup my face as I feel my cheeks blush. “Also, your scrubs fit you so well that I’m considering getting admitted so I can stare at you all night.”

I giggle. “Maroon scrubs do it for you, huh?”

“They do when I know what the body under them is capable of.” He winks and pulls me in for a hug. “Enjoy your shift and give me a call when you’re rested.” He walks to the door. “Or if you want to rest together.”

Chapter 20