Page 66 of Never Till Now

“Honestly.” His eyebrows draw together in concern. “I feel you’re about to call this arrangement off. You’ll be the only woman who is the entire package, but I was only granted a sample.”

“Entire package?” I laugh. “I’m pretty emotionally damaged, Adam. Even my therapist says I don’t know how to accept emotion.” I let the last part slip and put my fingers over my mouth.

“When did you start therapy?” A faint smile dresses his mouth. “I’m proud of you.”

“I didn’t do it so you’d be proud. When you were in Aspen, I had a terrible day at work but couldn’t bug you.” I close my eyes, recalling the young teen girl who managed to escape her traffickers. “I decided to talk to a therapist and things snowballed into my past and how I want to be normal.” I shake my head, feeling ridiculous. “Normal in the sense of understanding how others can handle their feelings better than I can. Rachel is kookie, but still can rationalize love.”

He swallows but it sounds more like a gulp. “So you want to love?”

“I want to feel like it’s okay to feel. That I can trust others with my emotions.” If he leaves me now, at least I was honest with him and myself. “The only person I know how to emotionally keep safe is myself. I feel like I’m hindering the parts of her that deserve to be happy on a different level.”

“I feel something between us.” He licks his lips before pressing them together. “Something I want to continue and grow, but if you can’t handle that, I understand.”

“You’re all or nothing now?” Is he giving me an out?

Do I want this to end?

“I didn’t say that.”

I close my eyes and try to picture myself drowning in extra work shifts and finding random men to scratch the bedroom itch. Do I continue my numb trance in life? I breathe in for four counts and hold it as long as I can before exhaling. I speak my first gut instinct.

“I want to hate what just happened. You exposed all my dark truths and still made me feel like I was needed.” I look into his brown eyes, searching for anything conniving. “I want to curl into the disturbed triggers and push you away as a painful liability.”

“But?” Adam asks softly.

“But every time I break down or my past is exposed, you don’t judge me. You build me up. I like how you treat my truths.”

“I’m worried you’ll close up the second we hit a small bump and I won’t be able to go back to my old ways.” His honesty hits me in the gut, but I mimic his fear.

“I don’t want that to happen to you.” My stomach turns with the fear of being the cause of someone’s deep pain. “I like what happened earlier, but I can’t leap into a relationship. I can’t trust myself to fully feel right now.”

“You do exactly what you said. You trust whatever feels right.”

“How will I know?” God, I feel dumb right now.

“Lauren, you were the one that told me to kiss your traumas away. Did that feel wrong?”

“What if you’re the reason I’ll receive more?” My heart twists with the thought of us not working out, but the thought of us furthering our friendship scares me too.

“Ditto. We take things slow. One kiss at a time. One label at a time. I’m not asking to be your boyfriend.”

“I can’t forget about the moment we just had.”

He kisses my cheek. “I can’t forget it either.”

Neither of us mention the conversation about our first night at the cabin until the ride home. Adam’s hand encompasses mine as we enter the city limits and hit traffic. Already, I miss the serene music of the birds and how irrelevant time was.

“So.” I break the silence. “Will we take us day by day?” I’m actually looking forward to my next therapy session tomorrow.

“If you’re not comfortable with something or have any questions, please speak up.” He gives my hand a squeeze. “I don’t play games. So, if you say you’re fine, I won’t ask what’s wrong a hundred times.”

“I can’t slack on my job because you take up brain space. My patients need me.”

“Noted. I’ll slack off on the bedroom skills so you don’t think of all the ways I can use my talented tongue.”

His words hit me like kryptonite and my legs clench together with sudden need. “Dammit, Adam. All I can think about is your tongue now.”

His hand reaches over and unbuttons my jeans. I look around at the cars surrounding us and I’m thankful for his dark tinted windows. His fingers slip inside my panties as I open my legs wider. Gently, he slides his middle finger down to my center and back up to circle my clit. His pressure is heavy, and I angle my hips forward, desperate for more. I moan, reaching down to move his finger faster. He continues the pace and then slows down, causing me to whimper.