Page 18 of Deadfall

“Come on, Em, you need to brush your teeth,” he said.

I found myself nodding and when he threw his arm around my shoulders and pulled me into his side, I completely broke apart. His smell—bergamot, whiskey and a little bit of campfire smoke mixed with mom’s vanilla perfume. I buried my face into his shirt and inhaled through my tears.

“Whoa, baby, what’s wrong?” He pulled me in closer and smoothed my riot of blond hair. He tried to pull me away enough to look at him, but I locked my arms around him and refused for even a minute to let go. When I finally let him pull me away, he held my face in both of his hands.

“You’re dead,” I whimpered. “This isn’t real.”

My Dad scoffed gently and smiled. “I’m right here, Emy.” His thumbs brushed my tears away. “Now, come on, Cole’s already in bed and he’s begging for a story.”

I walked into the bedroom Cole and I shared and there he was—my twin—sitting in bed, blond hair a tousled mess as usual. His face lit up when he saw me and my heart seized. I choked and my vision blurred with tears at seeing my brother—the part of my heart that was taken.

“Finally, Emy! Jeez, take forever. Dad said he’d read Little Red Riding Hood my way this time.”

I could only nod as we all settled into bed, Cole on one side, me on the other. I settled against my Dad’s side as he opened the book. I reached across him and grabbed Cole’s hand. His nose crinkled in momentary sibling disgust that made a smile cut through my tears before he gave my fingers a squeeze and settled again. The longing in my heart threatened to cut me in half with its intensity. The rumble of my Dad’s voice vibrated against my cheek and tears leaked out, as the comfort of that moment surrounded me again.

I knew it was a dream and yet when the room started to shimmer and leak around the edges, I panicked.

“No—” I grabbed a hold of my Dad with everything I had. “No—no, don’t go—no!”

Their bodies bled through my fingers—I scrambled and reached for them, choking on a sob. It was no use, their faces dissolved back into the dark and I was alone again.

Reality bled back into focus and the grief threatened to bury me. My bones ached and my chest hurt as the memories viciously ripped my heart to shreds. If the longing for that memory didn’t kill me, the truth that I’d never get a moment like that again certainly would.

I couldn’t breathe.

I collapsed into myself on the wood floor and slowly drowned in heartbreak.

9

EMERSYN

Age 13

I wasn’t sure what prompted me to stop my miserating. I was on my back, head turned as I stared at the dark hearth, when I got the urge to light it. Where earlier the idea of hauling myself off the floor to get firewood seemed impossible, it now felt like the only thing I needed to do.

And, I needed to do it immediately.

The minute I stepped outside, my lungs inhaled the crisp forest air and each step after that was easier than the last. After I got the fire started, I decided I needed to go to the river. My body rebelled. It wanted to sit down again and never get up, but instead I followed the urge and put one foot in front of the other until I found myself on the sandy shore.

I waded in and stood in the water for over an hour as I let the current tug gently at my legs, and watched as the minnows and fish swam past. At first my mind was just numb, exhausted after what I deduced had been several days of mania and terror. But, after breathing in breath after breath of fresh mountain air, I gently coaxed the feelings back.

Because somewhere inside, I knew I couldn’t be numb anymore. Despite the fear I felt at the thought of confronting the memories, I forced myself to sift through them and not retreat into the shadows again. I didn’t want to forget my family, but at the same time, I had a lot of anger toward my dad that I didn’t know how to process.

“Why did you leave me?” I whispered.

Then, louder. “Why did you leave me?” I screamed—so loud I startled a flock of birds on the far bank. How would I ever forgive my dad for what he’d done? I know it wasn’t on purpose, but I was still so mad at him.

“Can you be brave for me?”

“That’s my girl.”

“I love you.”

I choked on the thought.

I waited—

I was brave, and I waited.