Page 108 of Realm of Dreams & Shadows

I try, but my brain’s not playing by the rules. It’s still churning and churning, and I try to focus on the stupid things—my breath, my echoing footsteps, the way the street narrows and opens again between old walls and balconies.

A couple passes me, laughing. Apparently, they didn’t have their hearts ripped out tonight. Lucky them.

I glance back toward the corner I came from, expecting to see a glint of the park’s wrought-iron fence through the fog. But there’s only darkness, and I don’t look twice. I don’t want to. I just keep moving steadily forward toward campus and safety. Or, at least, the illusion of it.

By the time I reach campus, I feel like all my insides have been spooned out, and it’s everything I can do to staunch a fresh wave of tears as I hurry toward the smear of misty light that’s shrouding Hamilton Hall. I hurry, faster and faster, until I finally press my keycard against the door. I hear the familiar snick of the lock, then yank the door open and stumble inside, as if being in this building will make it all better.

But I don’t feel better at all.

I stab the button for the elevator with my forefinger, but when the doors don’t immediately open, I decide to screw it, then take the stairs two at a time, passing through the artificial scent of microwave popcorn and the tang of freshly delivered pizza.

By the time I reach the third floor, my stomach actually rumbles, and I almost cry at that because at least it’s normal. At least I can feel something other than the numbness that’s hiding a bone-deep pain.

When I reach my room, I use the keycard again, then push the door open slowly. As much as I want to talk to Tia, I know I should wait. Not only because she’s got an early class tomorrow, but because I need time to stop feeling numb. And to figure out how I can tell her any of what went down without drowning us both in my tears.

“Oh!”

It takes me a second to recognize the voice—Riley—and the moment I do, Tia’s up off the bed, standing in shorts and tugging on a T-shirt over her bare breasts.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I say, turning around and hearing the scramble of clothes as—I assume—Riley jumps into some shorts. When I turn back, she’s dressed and gesturing toward the door. “I’m just gonna scoot. Should be studying anyway.” She blows a kiss toward Tia, then flashes me a sympathetic look before sliding out the door. Apparently, my misery shows on my face even despite the flush of embarrassment.

“I’m so, so, so sorry,” I say.

“It’s okay. Your note said you were going to Chase’s, and— Oh, fuck, Cora. What happened?”

And then, of course, I burst into hysterical tears, the kind that shakes your whole body and won’t let you breathe and pretty much rips out your soul.

I don’t even know how I got to my bed, much less how I ended up out of my jeans and into the sleep shorts and tank I’d left on my pillow. All I know is that when I finally start thinking again, I’m spooning with Tia, who’s whispering that everything’s going to be okay.

“It won’t,” I say, my mouth tasting like chalk.

“Hey. None of that.” She shifts so she can sit up, her eyes capturing mine. “I promise. Whatever it is, we’ll get you through it.”

She’s wrong, but I nod anyway, too numb to do anything else.

“Now tell me,” she says, her tone both gentle and firm. “Start anywhere. One word at a time or word-vomit all over me.”

But I can’t say it yet. Not the big thing. Not that. So I just say, “Nothing. Everything. God, I don’t even know.”

Tia studies me, then sighs. “Is this about Chase?”

My throat tightens, and I have to look away.

“Right,” she says softly. “So, let’s start there. You don’t have to spill details, but, well, did you two…?”

I don’t answer, and the silence is enough. My face burns.

“Okay. I’m guessing it wasn’t the shiny, happy time you’d been hoping for?”

I shake my head, tears streaming down my cheeks. “No,” I manage, forcing the word past the giant lump in my throat. “It was perfect.” I try to tell her more, but I can’t find the words, so I wipe away the tears and say, very simply, “Absolutely perfect.”

Except that’s what makes it all the more unbearable.

She frowns as she studies my face. “Cora?”

“No, really,” I say. “We talked and then we kissed and then…” I trail off, smiling at the memory that’s now so horribly tainted. “It was gentle and wild and hot and everything amazing all rolled together, and afterwards, I fell asleep in his arms.”

“That sounds wonderful,” she says, and I have to force myself not to apologize all over again. Because if I hadn’t shown up, surely she and Riley would be snuggled together right now. “What changed?”